Birthday greeting to dying cancer patient

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Question:

My father is dying from lung cancer and the doctors say he will not get any better. His birthday is coming up in a few days and I am wondering what kind of birthday greeting I should send him. I feel that the hackneyed "HAPPY birthday" is meaningless in the light of the circumstances. What’s so "happy" about it? I am sure he certainly is not happy lying on the hospital bed waiting for death to claim him. I am certainly not happy seeing him endure the pain. What DO you say to someone you love, someone who has no hope for recovery on his birthday???? :~( -Tim

Response:

Hi Tim, I think that probably each of us who follow this newsgroup know what it’s like to dread special occasions (my cancer was diagnosed twelve days before Christmas, 1990 — Merry??? — NOT). However, even if your dad is facing the end of his life, there is no reason why you can’t celebrate ALL the birthdays that he has had, and while you’re at it, ALL the birthdays of his children and even grandchildren if he’s been blessed with any. I am sure that he is a family member who means a great deal to many relatives, whose advice or approval was of value both to relatives and to friends on many occasions, and whose love and affection made life a little less scary and a lot more comfortable and secure to you as a child. Just think about what he means to you and has meant to you every day of your life. These are the gifts you can take to him now — the gifts of recognition and salute, love and honor, the respect of a son well-raised. And after all that, a hug. Hope this helps… Alice Whitfield

Response:

(Rollerblading Dude) writes:

What DO you say to someone you love, someone who has no hope for recovery on his birthday???? :~( how about "I hope that your days are filled with peace, love, and tranquility"? karen

Response:

My father is dying from lung cancer and the doctors say he will not get any better… What DO you say to someone you love, someone who has no hope for recovery on his birthday???? :~(

Hi Tim, Well, I can tell from your post that you really do love your father. And I can certainly identify with your struggle. My mother has lung cancer as well, and after almost a year of chemo, we aren’t sure of her prognosis. So when I read of your dilemma, I tried to imagine what it would be like for me and my mother to be in your situation. It wasn’t too hard to imagine – I’ve done it often. What I would like to tell you is to honor the birth of your father. It is so easy to wonder why you should celebrate life when death is near, but this is the perfect time to tell your father how happy and grateful you are that he was born and spent as much time here with you as he has. Maybe you could make a scrapbook of pictures of you two together while you were growing up and pictures of him and grandchildren if that is applicable. Perhaps you could do some journaling and write down your favorite times together, or how his influences shaped your life and include that in the scrapbook. Also, have some other special people in his life do the same and show him how much he is loved, and how he has affected and played a part in the lives of so many others. You can give this to him as a gift. This could be a great opportunity to celebrate his life, while taking a break from mourning the future without him. That’s what I would (and probably will) do when I am faced with this situation. Best of Luck, Anastasia "Stacey" Kogut

Response:

Simply say, Dad I love you….every day…. also, tell him his many friends here send their love… Marty

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