Talk Cancer

Question:

suggestions?

do what your heart tells you to do. — astri

Response:

Well put, astri.  trill, I think it is perfectly okay that you can’t be friends with her but that you hurt for her and want to express that visibly to her. Domino – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – suggestions? do what your heart tells you to do. — astri

Response:

Dear trill – I believe that sending some form of expression of consolation for her grief is both an acceptable and kind gesture – I do not think it is inappropriate. I can certainly understand being sorry for someone else’s grief and pain, even if one cannot be friends with that person. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x     I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.     never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu.  she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.     recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.     but here’s the rub:         everybody in lulu’s family is dying.         about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark.  only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)     my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it just seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.     i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

Response:

this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x     I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.     never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu.  she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.     recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.     but here’s the rub:         everybody in lulu’s family is dying.         about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark.  only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)     my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it just seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.     i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

Response:

thanks every body for responding to this. after i wrote th e rest of this post i realized that i should be spoilering everything below this because it is all and only about sadness and despair and not knowing how to make "it" or if i should try. O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O i feel extremely isolated.  anyway, will send something to say my feelings of sorrow to the woman, but then makes me think that only thing that anyone only reason that anyone ever botheres to say anything to me is like that.  because i am pretty much totally isolated now, except for the cyber social life of asd, and very afrai d that it won’t be enough to sustain me. i’m barely able to get up now. just before i landed here at asd i got email from someone for whom i care deeply but with whom the friendship has always been up and down, like way up and way down and never knowing when i’m going to trip and fall or the safty belt will break and i’ll fly out of the roller coaster.  never know.  never did know.  but till, realizing how isolated i wsa getting tried to reach out to hr and first got welcomed but then rejected     so sie would do the same for me, tell me hir sorrow about how i am with this physical sickiness and some of the other problems, but no couldn’t be my friend, and well, see, i dunno, but i think that hurts worse than just not having contact.  so it is confusing. but i’m confused about everything now . got dx. have to start on this heavy drug regimen.  very scary any way i look at it. and look around and no friends, nobody to go to a movie with, nobody to talk on the phone with, nobody to sit in the lving room or walk the dog with, nobody to share a meal with…    just me and potato.  and i feel i am failing potato. and i’m scared of myself now. too scared to get up in morning and too scared to eat properly and too scared to do the minimum of chores to make house healthy and too scared to do anything. too scared. sorry, this is a bad one. i better go up and spioler trill

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear trill – I believe that sending some form of expression of consolation for her grief is both an acceptable and kind gesture – I do not think it is inappropriate. I can certainly understand being sorry for someone else’s grief and pain, even if one cannot be friends with that person. Beauty. this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x     I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.     never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu.  she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.     recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.     but here’s the rub:         everybody in lulu’s family is dying.         about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark. only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)     my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it just seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.     i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

Response:

Go ahead, it’s a nice gesture. If she doesn’t seem to understand nor appreciate the gesture from you, I’d advise just letting that go and not take it personally. SofT Newsgroups: alt.support.dissociation – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness. i can’t even believe it is happening. and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life. and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other. now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs. about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together. never liked the woman my friend married. i’ll call her lulu. she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining. and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years. but never mind that. recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her. i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me. but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu. but here’s the rub: everybody in lulu’s family is dying. about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor. she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery. about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack. right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark. only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister). instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.) my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon. i wept when i heard it. i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter. it just seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once. i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something. i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

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Response:

This isn’t to the topic that you wrote about right here, trill, but I meant to warn you: please remember if you *do* decide to make some gesture toward this woman that you are potentially setting yourself in a position to be hurt if she rejects the gesture, ignores it, whatever – unless you tell yourself for real at the outset that it is about what *you* want to do, and not about how she will respond (or not). Think about whether you are prepared to handle any of the full range of possibilities that any gesture of yours might incur – then go forward, based on your conclusions. You don’t want to be asking for more trouble. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thanks every body for responding to this. after i wrote th e rest of this post i realized that i should be spoilering everything below this because it is all and only about sadness and despair and not knowing how to make "it" or if i should try. O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O i feel extremely isolated.  anyway, will send something to say my feelings of sorrow to the woman, but then makes me think that only thing that anyone only reason that anyone ever botheres to say anything to me is like that.  because i am pretty much totally isolated now, except for the cyber social life of asd, and very afrai d that it won’t be enough to sustain me. i’m barely able to get up now. just before i landed here at asd i got email from someone for whom i care deeply but with whom the friendship has always been up and down, like way up and way down and never knowing when i’m going to trip and fall or the safty belt will break and i’ll fly out of the roller coaster.  never know.  never did know.  but till, realizing how isolated i wsa getting tried to reach out to hr and first got welcomed but then rejected     so sie would do the same for me, tell me hir sorrow about how i am with this physical sickiness and some of the other problems, but no couldn’t be my friend, and well, see, i dunno, but i think that hurts worse than just not having contact.  so it is confusing. but i’m confused about everything now . got dx. have to start on this heavy drug regimen.  very scary any way i look at it. and look around and no friends, nobody to go to a movie with, nobody to talk on the phone with, nobody to sit in the lving room or walk the dog with, nobody to share a meal with…    just me and potato.  and i feel i am failing potato. and i’m scared of myself now. too scared to get up in morning and too scared to eat properly and too scared to do the minimum of chores to make house healthy and too scared to do anything. too scared. sorry, this is a bad one. i better go up and spioler trill Dear trill – I believe that sending some form of expression of consolation for her grief is both an acceptable and kind gesture – I do not think it is inappropriate. I can certainly understand being sorry for someone else’s grief and pain, even if one cannot be friends with that person. Beauty. this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x    I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.    never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu.  she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.    recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.    but here’s the rub:        everybody in lulu’s family is dying.        about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark. only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)    my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it just seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.    i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

Response:

right.     Yeah, I thought about that.  And then I found myself in her presence coincidentally, so I went on automatic and simply told her that I felt very sorry.  She just looked through me and walke away. but, that was something I could handle, because, frankly, that is just the way she has always been about everything, which is why I am unable to be around her, why I told her partner, the woman I was first friends with and remain friends with, that we would either have to carry on our friendship without including lulu.     Meanwhile, my friend, as all of this tragedy strikes lulu’s family, complains to me about the family being too dramatic.     Everything is complicated, isn’t it? trill

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – This isn’t to the topic that you wrote about right here, trill, but I meant to warn you: please remember if you *do* decide to make some gesture toward this woman that you are potentially setting yourself in a position to be hurt if she rejects the gesture, ignores it, whatever – unless you tell yourself for real at the outset that it is about what *you* want to do, and not about how she will respond (or not). Think about whether you are prepared to handle any of the full range of possibilities that any gesture of yours might incur – then go forward, based on your conclusions. You don’t want to be asking for more trouble. Beauty. thanks every body for responding to this. after i wrote th e rest of this post i realized that i should be spoilering everything below this because it is all and only about sadness and despair and not knowing how to make "it" or if i should try. O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O i feel extremely isolated.  anyway, will send something to say my feelings of sorrow to the woman, but then makes me think that only thing that anyone only reason that anyone ever botheres to say anything to me is like that.  because i am pretty much totally isolated now, except for the cyber social life of asd, and very afrai d that it won’t be enough to sustain me. i’m barely able to get up now. just before i landed here at asd i got email from someone for whom i care deeply but with whom the friendship has always been up and down, like way up and way down and never knowing when i’m going to trip and fall or the safty belt will break and i’ll fly out of the roller coaster.  never know. never did know.  but till, realizing how isolated i wsa getting tried to reach out to hr and first got welcomed but then rejected     so sie would do the same for me, tell me hir sorrow about how i am with this physical sickiness and some of the other problems, but no couldn’t be my friend, and well, see, i dunno, but i think that hurts worse than just not having contact.  so it is confusing. but i’m confused about everything now . got dx. have to start on this heavy drug regimen.  very scary any way i look at it. and look around and no friends, nobody to go to a movie with, nobody to talk on the phone with, nobody to sit in the lving room or walk the dog with, nobody to share a meal with…    just me and potato.  and i feel i am failing potato. and i’m scared of myself now. too scared to get up in morning and too scared to eat properly and too scared to do the minimum of chores to make house healthy and too scared to do anything. too scared. sorry, this is a bad one. i better go up and spioler trill Dear trill – I believe that sending some form of expression of consolation for her grief is both an acceptable and kind gesture – I do not think it is inappropriate. I can certainly understand being sorry for someone else’s grief and pain, even if one cannot be friends with that person. Beauty. this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many people’s lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x    I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.    never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu. she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.    recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.    but here’s the rub:        everybody in lulu’s family is dying.        about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark. only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)    my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it jus t seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.    i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

Response:

Yes, it’s complicated  - probably more than it ought to be. You made your gesture. That’s all you can be responsible for. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – right.     Yeah, I thought about that.  And then I found myself in her presence coincidentally, so I went on automatic and simply told her that I felt very sorry.  She just looked through me and walke away. but, that was something I could handle, because, frankly, that is just the way she has always been about everything, which is why I am unable to be around her, why I told her partner, the woman I was first friends with and remain friends with, that we would either have to carry on our friendship without including lulu.     Meanwhile, my friend, as all of this tragedy strikes lulu’s family, complains to me about the family being too dramatic.     Everything is complicated, isn’t it? trill This isn’t to the topic that you wrote about right here, trill, but I meant to warn you: please remember if you *do* decide to make some gesture toward this woman that you are potentially setting yourself in a position to be hurt if she rejects the gesture, ignores it, whatever – unless you tell yourself for real at the outset that it is about what *you* want to do, and not about how she will respond (or not). Think about whether you are prepared to handle any of the full range of possibilities that any gesture of yours might incur – then go forward, based on your conclusions. You don’t want to be asking for more trouble. Beauty. thanks every body for responding to this. after i wrote th e rest of this post i realized that i should be spoilering everything below this because it is all and only about sadness and despair and not knowing how to make "it" or if i should try. O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O i feel extremely isolated.  anyway, will send something to say my feelings of sorrow to the woman, but then makes me think that only thing that anyone only reason that anyone ever botheres to say anything to me is like that.  because i am pretty much totally isolated now, except for the cyber social life of asd, and very afrai d that it won’t be enough to sustain me. i’m barely able to get up now. just before i landed here at asd i got email from someone for whom i care deeply but with whom the friendship has always been up and down, like way up and way down and never knowing when i’m going to trip and fall or the safty belt will break and i’ll fly out of the roller coaster.  never know. never did know.  but till, realizing how isolated i wsa getting tried to reach out to hr and first got welcomed but then rejected    so sie would do the same for me, tell me hir sorrow about how i am with this physical sickiness and some of the other problems, but no couldn’t be my friend, and well, see, i dunno, but i think that hurts worse than just not having contact.  so it is confusing. but i’m confused about everything now . got dx. have to start on this heavy drug regimen.  very scary any way i look at it. and look around and no friends, nobody to go to a movie with, nobody to talk on the phone with, nobody to sit in the lving room or walk the dog with, nobody to share a meal with…    just me and potato.  and i feel i am failing potato. and i’m scared of myself now. too scared to get up in morning and too scared to eat properly and too scared to do the minimum of chores to make house healthy and too scared to do anything. too scared. sorry, this is a bad one. i better go up and spioler trill Dear trill – I believe that sending some form of expression of consolation for her grief is both an acceptable and kind gesture – I do not think it is inappropriate. I can certainly understand being sorry for someone else’s grief and pain, even if one cannot be friends with that person. Beauty. this is actually about someone i know, not code for being about me, okay? and i’m going to spoiler it, because it is heavy with sadness.  i can’t even believe it is happening.  and then when i think of how terribly it affects me, just knowing about it, and then think about how much more tragic many peoat ts lives are in the rest of the world, i am overwhelmed with the sadness of life.  and i am ashamed of myself for not being able to hold up under the stress and duress of my life, which is not even worth mentioning when i think about what so many others experience in war and induced famine and natrural disaster. well, time for the spoiler  what’s below is not splatted x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x   I know this woman because she is the life partner of another woman with whom i was friends before they met each other.  now the’ve been together for about 6 or 7 yrs.  about 4 yrs ago they had a wedding ceremony and bought a house together.   never liked the woman my friend married.  i’ll call her lulu. she’s a drama queen, bossy, pushy when she can’t be bossy, and a know-it-all most especially when her ignorance is shining.  and she’s done some seriously nasty stuff to me that i’ve reported on here, over the years.  but never mind that.   recently she acted out at me and i decided it wasn’t worth it to me to keep spending time with her.  i talked to her partner, my old friend, and explained my reasons and apologized and said that i’d understand if she wanted to stop being friends with me.  but, amazingly, she said she wanted to continue our friendship, and she told me that i am not the first of her friends to come to her this way about lulu; that she maintains an entire social life seperately from lulu.   but here’s the rub:       everybody in lulu’s family is dying.       about 2 yrs. ago one of her 3 sisters learned she had an inoperable brain tumor.  she’s barely alive now, surrounded by hospice, and everybody keeps waiting for her to be out of her misery.  about a year before that another one of lulu’s 3 sisters died of a heart attack.  right after the brain tumor sister was dxed, the 3rd sister was told she had liver cancer, but they performed surgery, taking away some of her liver with the tumore, and telling her that it looked like she’d make it past the 5 yr mark. only, instead she developed sepsis after a blood transfusion and died suddenly. then, last night lulu got a middle-of-the-night call from a family member and heard it’s not soozy (brain tumor sister).  instead it was her oldest brother. (big family — 4 sister, counting lulu, and 3 brothers.)   my friend called to tell me the latest news, this afternoon.  i wept when i heard it.  i don’t even like lulu, but it didn’t matter.  it jus t seemed like way too much for anyone to bear all at once.   i’m thinking of sending a card and some flowers or something.  i’ll never be able to be her friend, but still, i genuinely feel this ovewhelming grief for her. suggestions? trill

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