Talk Cancer

Question:

I have a roommate whose father has been diagnosed with leukemia.  My roommate is a very reserved person, and doesn’t talk about the situation. My question is, should I ask him about how he feels, how his father is doing, how is mother is dealing with it, etc., or be more distant?  I sense that he may want to talk about this, but there is no real way of knowing. How have others on the net dealt with this or a similar situation?  Please post responses. Phillip Burke

Response:

I have a roommate whose father has been diagnosed with leukemia.  My roommate is a very reserved person, and doesn’t talk about the situation. My question is, should I ask him about how he feels, how his father is doing, how is mother is dealing with it, etc., or be more distant?  I sense that he may want to talk about this, but there is no real way of knowing. How have others on the net dealt with this or a similar situation?  Please post responses. Phillip Burke

Phillip, While it’s true that a(n apparent) failure to deal emotionally with a situation such as this may cause your friend many years of associated emotional problems, obviously he has to be open to dealing with the situation for you to approach him. But you’re uncertain that he’s open to such sharing. Probably it would be good for you to discuss your own feelings about death, pain and suffering, etc., at length with someone you trust. Then if you are more comfortable with the issues involved, your friend will sense this. This enables him to approach you more comfortably, and you will be better prepared to listen to his situation vis-a-vis his father’s illness as he sees it. Robert — "If ignorance is bliss, this may be the happiest of worlds." (Anomalous)

Response:

I have a roommate whose father has been diagnosed with leukemia.  My roommate is a very reserved person, and doesn’t talk about the situation. My question is, should I ask him about how he feels, how his father is doing, how is mother is dealing with it, etc., or be more distant?  I sense that he may want to talk about this, but there is no real way of knowing. How have others on the net dealt with this or a similar situation? Please post responses.

Phillip, Hopefully, your roommate’s dad is being treated at Madison — they have a very good cancer program (I know, that is where my mom was treated). I’m probably a bit like your roommate, I’m pretty outgoing to a point, when it gets to personal stuff (or something that may make others uncomfortable), I usually clam up pretty fast except around the closest of friends. I would suspect that your roommate is still trying to figure out how he feels about the situation and how he should react to others.  It’s amazing, some people are very supportive, and others seem very uncormfortable to be around someone dealing with cancer.  Chances are, your roommate will need time before he is comfortable talking about it.  Not neccessarily that he’s not ready to talk, he may feel that others are not ready to talk to him about it (whether he’s right or not is a different issue, but that MAY be how he feels). You should acknowledge that you know and accept the fact about his dad.  You should inquire about it occassionally to show concern, but not every day (or every week).  If his dad has a radiation treatment or chemotheraphy scheduled, ask a couple days later how he’s doing. Ask him how his family is dealing with it, before you ask him how he is doing (basic guy rule, we don’t talk about our feelings).  This is a longterm disease, its not going to go away in one or two treatments, so don’t try to get a weekly status report, nor expect quick progress.  Also, remember that there are other things going on in his life besides his dad (even though that is a very big part of it).  Don’t forget to treat him like a normal person — ask how his exam went, don’t be afraid to go out and ignore the fact for one night about his dad’s leukemia.   For me, the toughest part was trying to figure out how to relate to people that I knew were told the situation by friends of mine, but never acknowledged that they knew (or acted like they were scared to talk about it).  I fortunately never had friends that pried too much (and I could always say, "She’s doing OK" or "My Mom just had chemo, so she’s not feeling too good right now").  Besides, prying too much does show concern as well, which is what I remembered. Its probably best to start off with something like: "I hear if you need something, want to talk now or in the future.  If I can do anything to help out, let me now."  Your roommate will probably say "Thanks, but I’m doing OK."  But if you ask about his dad’s status occasionally, he’ll realize you do care and want to help.  On the other hand, sometimes he’ll just want to be alone and not discuss it. Some might suggest that you learn about leukemia as a sign of support. My feeling is that "it depends".  It would be a touching gesture, but it would not have helped me that much, and I would probably feel guilty if a friend of mine knew more about the disease than I did. Well, this post really rambles on, I hope you can find some useful advice in it somewhere.  Feel free to email me to discuss it more. Doug

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