Talk Cancer » Cancer Research » losses and no wins
losses and no wins
Question:
Hi Becky!!! It’s good to see you posting again. You do have friends here, you know. We know you to some extent, even if we haven’t been in your physical presence. Is that so important anyway? I’ve been through alot since we last "spoke." Been to the hospital and back, lost a good friend (well, I thought she was) and am struggling with my depression while trying to get the right med cocktail. Hey, I’ve got you beat there! I’m on Celexa, Effexor, Risperdal, Atavan AND Neurontin. Quite a mix, huh? I sorta laugh about all the stuff I’m on now, wondering just how drugged up I’ll be before the si stops. Do you feel that way? Anyway, just wanted to say hi again and didn’t really mean to go on about myself. Take care of yourself, precious one. You are loved. :) Turtle — When you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. Before you buy.
Response:
Hey it has been a while – I was hoping that things were getting better but it doesn’t sound like it. The eye problem sounds very strange – when I was on Zoloft and many other AD’s I would have trouble focusing I kept going to the eye doctor thinking I needed new glasses it took me 3 or 4 different medications until I figured out it was a side effect of the AD’s. Long story short (too late) maybe it is a side effect. Any ways I am glad to see you back. Maggie
Response:
Well I remember someone who said to me. "Yeah you may lose and you may never win, but you are all winners because you tried and desired to be winners! After all the only true losers are those who step out of the game saying "I can’t win!" and the self-fulfilling prophecy is fulfilled! " Think of that when you feel like you can’t win! Paul Patron Sant of Lost Causes and Hopeless Endeavours So There!!! 
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi one an all that might remember me. This group has really spread out since I was last here. I don’t know quite alot of folks so I say HI to you—–sorry you are here. I have been trying to decide if I needed to be back in ASD or alone. I haven’t really been actively seeking out anyone. I wish I could but the person I was 3 or 4 years ago when I first started out on here is not the same. Improved? ROFL yeah I wish. No I have pretty much hit the shitbucket on my way to the concrete floor below, which then of course snaps like a twig and pushes into the belly of the beast——the fires of hell. Boy ain’t I dramatic? Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead! I wish I was smart too, smart and dead and beautiful and making sense in a world where nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing. I am on Lithium, Risperdal, Zoloft and booze if and when I can convince my husband to buy me some. I have eyes that are not working very well and the dr sounded concerned on the phone——-White things that are slidding down the outside vision of my eyes and eyes that refuse to focus and that want to cross——JUST WHAT I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS freakin’ wanted was to be cross-eyed. Up close I am ok——far away to look——can’t see and can’t focus and the eyes start to cross like a cross-legged hooker who found a new career. God it is snowing outside. I love it. No I don’t. I don’t love much of anything anymore. My kids can manage as can my husband. Even my little guy I watch from morn till eve won’t care. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more. I don’t know where I am or who I am or why I am so screwed up. I have nothing that other people have——-an identity. It is gone. I am laughed at and felt to be a pain more than someone to hug and love. I can’t even feel it anyway. actually feeling like I have people that know me from here. I am such a joke. It isn’t real. Nothing is real. Not a damned thing. So I close this wonderful, I feel sorry for my stupid-assed self and need to boo hoo to someone post. You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while. One thing I can’t support right now. Haven’t done that in a long time. I am messed up and stupid to boot. Really stupid. I am gonna go take a nap. If this little bugger I call Boo but his name is really Chris (2yrs) will let me——-he is with me folks—–I don’t sleep heavy incase someone is worried about his safety. He is like one of my own. Have watched him for 2 yrs.
Response:
Becky, I’m glad to see you posting. Wish something you were taking or doing was helping you more. Love you. Stan. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi one an all that might remember me. This group has really spread out since I was last here. I don’t know quite alot of folks so I say HI to you—–sorry you are here. I have been trying to decide if I needed to be back in ASD or alone. I haven’t really been actively seeking out anyone. I wish I could but the person I was 3 or 4 years ago when I first started out on here is not the same. Improved? ROFL yeah I wish. No I have pretty much hit the shitbucket on my way to the concrete floor below, which then of course snaps like a twig and pushes into the belly of the beast——the fires of hell. Boy ain’t I dramatic? Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead! I wish I was smart too, smart and dead and beautiful and making sense in a world where nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing. I am on Lithium, Risperdal, Zoloft and booze if and when I can convince my husband to buy me some. I have eyes that are not working very well and the dr sounded concerned on the phone——-White things that are slidding down the outside vision of my eyes and eyes that refuse to focus and that want to cross——JUST WHAT I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS freakin’ wanted was to be cross-eyed. Up close I am ok——far away to look——can’t see and can’t focus and the eyes start to cross like a cross-legged hooker who found a new career. God it is snowing outside. I love it. No I don’t. I don’t love much of anything anymore. My kids can manage as can my husband. Even my little guy I watch from morn till eve won’t care. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more. I don’t know where I am or who I am or why I am so screwed up. I have nothing that other people have——-an identity. It is gone. I am laughed at and felt to be a pain more than someone to hug and love. I can’t even feel it anyway. feeling like I have people that know me from here. I am such a joke. It isn’t real. Nothing is real. Not a damned thing. So I close this wonderful, I feel sorry for my stupid-assed self and need to boo hoo to someone post. You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while. One thing I can’t support right now. Haven’t done that in a long time. I am messed up and stupid to boot. Really stupid. I am gonna go take a nap. If this little bugger I call Boo but his name is really Chris (2yrs) will let me——-he is with me folks—–I don’t sleep heavy incase someone is worried about his safety. He is like one of my own. Have watched him for 2 yrs.
Response:
hi, becky! i’ve really missed you. i hope you’ll be around for awhile now. -lisa
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi one an all that might remember me. This group has really spread out since I was last here. I don’t know quite alot of folks so I say HI to you—–sorry you are here. I have been trying to decide if I needed to be back in ASD or alone. I haven’t really been actively seeking out anyone. I wish I could but the person I was 3 or 4 years ago when I first started out on here is not the same. Improved? ROFL yeah I wish. No I have pretty much hit the shitbucket on my way to the concrete floor below, which then of course snaps like a twig and pushes into the belly of the beast——the fires of hell. Boy ain’t I dramatic? Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead! I wish I was smart too, smart and dead and beautiful and making sense in a world where nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing. I am on Lithium, Risperdal, Zoloft and booze if and when I can convince my husband to buy me some. I have eyes that are not working very well and the dr sounded concerned on the phone——-White things that are slidding down the outside vision of my eyes and eyes that refuse to focus and that want to cross——JUST WHAT I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS freakin’ wanted was to be cross-eyed. Up close I am ok——far away to look——can’t see and can’t focus and the eyes start to cross like a cross-legged hooker who found a new career. God it is snowing outside. I love it. No I don’t. I don’t love much of anything anymore. My kids can manage as can my husband. Even my little guy I watch from morn till eve won’t care. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more. I don’t know where I am or who I am or why I am so screwed up. I have nothing that other people have——-an identity. It is gone. I am laughed at and felt to be a pain more than someone to hug and love. I can’t even feel it anyway. actually feeling like I have people that know me from here. I am such a joke. It isn’t real. Nothing is real. Not a damned thing. So I close this wonderful, I feel sorry for my stupid-assed self and need to boo hoo to someone post. You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while. One thing I can’t support right now. Haven’t done that in a long time. I am messed up and stupid to boot. Really stupid. I am gonna go take a nap. If this little bugger I call Boo but his name is really Chris (2yrs) will let me——-he is with me folks—–I don’t sleep heavy incase someone is worried about his safety. He is like one of my own. Have watched him for 2 yrs.
Response:
Hi one an all that might remember me. This group has really spread out since I was last here. I don’t know quite alot of folks so I say HI to you—–sorry you are here. I have been trying to decide if I needed to be back in ASD or alone. I haven’t really been actively seeking out anyone. I wish I could but the person I was 3 or 4 years ago when I first started out on here is not the same. Improved? ROFL yeah I wish. No I have pretty much hit the shitbucket on my way to the concrete floor below, which then of course snaps like a twig and pushes into the belly of the beast——the fires of hell. Boy ain’t I dramatic? Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead! I wish I was smart too, smart and dead and beautiful and making sense in a world where nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing. I am on Lithium, Risperdal, Zoloft and booze if and when I can convince my husband to buy me some. I have eyes that are not working very well and the dr sounded concerned on the phone——-White things that are slidding down the outside vision of my eyes and eyes that refuse to focus and that want to cross——JUST WHAT I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS freakin’ wanted was to be cross-eyed. Up close I am ok——far away to look——can’t see and can’t focus and the eyes start to cross like a cross-legged hooker who found a new career. God it is snowing outside. I love it. No I don’t. I don’t love much of anything anymore. My kids can manage as can my husband. Even my little guy I watch from morn till eve won’t care. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more. I don’t know where I am or who I am or why I am so screwed up. I have nothing that other people have——-an identity. It is gone. I am laughed at and felt to be a pain more than someone to hug and love. I can’t even feel it anyway. feeling like I have people that know me from here. I am such a joke. It isn’t real. Nothing is real. Not a damned thing. So I close this wonderful, I feel sorry for my stupid-assed self and need to boo hoo to someone post. You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while. One thing I can’t support right now. Haven’t done that in a long time. I am messed up and stupid to boot. Really stupid. I am gonna go take a nap. If this little bugger I call Boo but his name is really Chris (2yrs) will let me——-he is with me folks—–I don’t sleep heavy incase someone is worried about his safety. He is like one of my own. Have watched him for 2 yrs.
Response:
IT’S ALRIGHT, MA (I’m Only Bleeding) (Words and Music by Bob Dylan) Darkness at the break of noon Shadows even the silver spoon The handmade blade, the child’s balloon Eclipses both the sun and moon To understand you know too soon There is no sense in trying. Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn Suicide remarks are torn From the fool’s gold mouthpiece The hollow horn plays wasted words Proves to warn That he not busy being born Is busy dying. Temptation’s page flies out the door You follow, find yourself at war Watch waterfalls of pity roar You feel to moan but unlike before You discover That you’d just be One more person crying. So don’t fear if you hear A foreign sound to your ear It’s alright, Ma, I’m only sighing. As some warn victory, some downfall Private reasons great or small Can be seen in the eyes of those that call To make all that should be killed to crawl While others say don’t hate nothing at all Except hatred. Disillusioned words like bullets bark As human gods aim for their mark Made everything from toy guns that spark To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark It’s easy to see without looking too far That not much Is really sacred. While preachers preach of evil fates Teachers teach that knowledge waits Can lead to hundred-dollar plates Goodness hides behind its gates But even the president of the United States Sometimes must have To stand naked. An’ though the rules of the road have been lodged It’s only people’s games that you got to dodge And it’s alright, Ma, I can make it. Advertising signs that con you Into thinking you’re the one That can do what’s never been done That can win what’s never been won Meantime life outside goes on All around you. You lose yourself, you reappear You suddenly find you got nothing to fear Alone you stand with nobody near When a trembling distant voice, unclear Startles your sleeping ears to hear That somebody thinks They really found you. A question in your nerves is lit Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy Insure you not to quit To keep it in your mind and not forget That it is not he or she or them or it That you belong to. Although the masters make the rules For the wise men and the fools I got nothing, Ma, to live up to. For them that must obey authority That they do not respect in any degree Who despise their jobs, their destinies Speak jealously of them that are free Cultivate their flowers to be Nothing more than something They invest in. While some on principles baptized To strict party platform ties Social clubs in drag disguise Outsiders they can freely criticize Tell nothing except who to idolize And then say God bless him. While one who sings with his tongue on fire Gargles in the rat race choir Bent out of shape from society’s pliers Cares not to come up any higher But rather get you down in the hole That he’s in. But I mean no harm nor put fault On anyone that lives in a vault But it’s alright, Ma, if I can’t please him. Old lady judges watch people in pairs Limited in sex, they dare To push fake morals, insult and stare While money doesn’t talk, it swears Obscenity, who really cares Propaganda, all is phoney. While them that defend what they cannot see With a killer’s pride, security It blows the minds most bitterly For them that think death’s honesty Won’t fall upon them naturally Life sometimes Must get lonely. My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards False gods, I scuff At pettiness which plays so rough Walk upside-down inside handcuffs Kick my legs to crash it off Say okay, I have had enough What else can you show me? And if my thought-dreams could be seen They’d probably put my head in a guillotine But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi one an all that might remember me. Hi, I remember you. Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead! I always thought you’re very special, and smart too. I don’t think you should be dead. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more. I’m sorry, I really am. HUGS You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while. I hope you’ll be around!!!! ~Liss
I’m with everyone else — hang in there!! We need you! I got a real boost recently with St. John’s Wort in the tincture form. You know, in Germany 50% of the prescriptions for depression are St. John’s Wort. Only 2-3% are Prozac. For me, on about the fifth day, wow! What difference! Before I was crying a lot. I haven’t cried since (about a month-and-a-half) except when I was chopping onions. Plus, I have NO side effects from it. The best to you. Sex!" at www.BeWellBooks.com by A.R. Salman, M.D., for men and women now. Each purchase helps support the Gentler Cancer Research Foundation (www.gentler.org)! Before you buy.
Response:
Hi one an all that might remember me.
Hi, I remember you. Yeah I know. I am just sickening and should be dead dead dead!
I always thought you’re very special, and smart too. I don’t think you should be dead. <crying I am just feeling bad folks. Nothing more.
I’m sorry, I really am. HUGS You all take care and I might just be around moaning and groaning for a while.
I hope you’ll be around!!!! ~Liss — Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle! (Alice in Wonderland) Before you buy.
Response:
Hi Becky. I’m sorry to hear that the beast is raging. I wish you were feeling grear, and there was no need to be back here, but it is good to see your nic again. Take care, — _ bear _.-’ ) (_ . ‘ __ __^/` _) .-’_ (_.’ ’–. /_ /`-._/ (__/ email: The bearster_at_aol_dot_com
Response:
Hi one an all that might remember me.
I could never forget you. So I close this wonderful, I feel sorry for my stupid-assed self and need to boo hoo to someone post.
Boo hoo anytime you want. Mary Beth