Talk Cancer

Question:

So let me get this straight Chemer dood – when you advocate murder and conspiracy to murder – this is you doing the Lawrds work of loving me – your neighbor ? Answer that one if you got the balls. Or did you forget about wanting to kill me. SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27

Response:

Thank you for the compliment Alan… I’ll consider it, but quite honestly, Davis is about as far south as I get.   Though I do have friends in both Santa Rosa and SanFrancisco too.  Perhaps one day we will meet.  I’m sure it would be interesting. Ellie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ellie – if you are even in Santa Rosa – look me up I want to take you out to the best Chinese Restaurant in the world. I like how you think. SumBuddie Pardon the intrusion, but I’m having difficulty resisting this little snafu.  No offense is meant to anyone. And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27 Should we run up and hug a neighbors leg?   Ellie…. who knows spell check only works for misspelled words, not misplaced ones.  :)

Response:

It’s good that you think Julia, you are busting the Dont Think rules of dysfunctional psychology. What you are struggling with is the lies, delusions, and con games of your parents, priests, and the sick village you grew up in. The abortion did not fuck you up emotionally – the family system you grew up in did.  And the good news is you can un-fuck yourself. Its work – but it works if you work it. On an aside – all the religious systems of knowlege in one way or another recognize that life – soul entering into a human body starts at successful birth. The fetal/zygote/sperm/ovum juice thing is just a seed or sprouted seed – and it is deadmeat. God dont kill unborn babies – they are already dead – God just dont make come alive. A stillborn child is an unborn child. Abortion is not murder – no more than cutting your fingernails or having a cancer tumor removed is murder. There are alot of hormones, bonding issues, and psychological trips that are in the psychophysiology that have to do with nesting and procreating on a biology level that fuels the human mind – but that has nothing to do when life starts or stops or even what life is or is not. If the Bible is important to you – Exodus 21:22-27 clearly shows the fetus has no soul and can not be killed.  Only living human beings with soul can be kill. Eye for an eye – soul for a soul.  That kind of stuff. Have to have a soul to lose it or to have it taken away. A fetus dont have a soul like you and I do. SumBuddie In article – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – dont make junk and God is not a hyporcrite – or that abortion is not murder in the bible (see Exodus 21:22-27 and everyother scripture) as the fetus has no soul (praetakus, chi, prana, breath of life) and can not be killed – Of all the weird places for this topic to come up … this has been a really big issue for me which I rarely talk about. When I was 22 I had an abortion and it just really fucked me up emotionally. I really wanted the child but was in an abusive relationship and had by far not enough money to support myself or the child, and had no emotional support. In the long run, I believe I saved a child from a potentially really bad childhood (god knows I wouldn’t want anyone to have to have my ex-Todd as a father!). But it just made me feel awful and guilty. I think maybe I’ll look more into what different theories on the fetal state are. My friend, Star had something like four abortions in her life and doesn’t feel bad about them. I don’t know. I guess I think about things too much. Julia

Response:

Ellie – if you are even in Santa Rosa – look me up I want to take you out to the best Chinese Restaurant in the world. I like how you think. SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Pardon the intrusion, but I’m having difficulty resisting this little snafu.  No offense is meant to anyone. And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27 Should we run up and hug a neighbors leg?   Ellie…. who knows spell check only works for misspelled words, not misplaced ones.  :)

Response:

Good one Ellie. Chemer27 writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Pardon the intrusion, but I’m having difficulty resisting this little snafu.  No offense is meant to anyone. And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27 Should we run up and hug a neighbors leg?   Ellie…. who knows spell check only works for misspelled words, not misplaced ones.  :)

Response:

That was so you got the message incase you were not reading posts by me. I have stated why I found it necessary to send the same post this time round. Chemer27 writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Chemer… please be careful.. this is the third time I’ve seen the same post, with a different beginning. Ellie

Response:

Chemer… please be careful.. this is the third time I’ve seen the same post, with a different beginning. Ellie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Julia, This is what I wrote to Ellie and I think that it is very apt and I can draw strong parallels with my own experiences.  Thank you also for trying to understand, it is appreciated: I am glad that your children have been given the chance to express their genius.  As you are well aware children of that intelligence are constantly trying to find out about the world, ask questions and get bored very easily.   I was sent to a special school because of a system called ITA, have you heard of it.  It is a very strange system that uses a combination of phonetics and a strange alphabet to teach children how to read and write joined up.  It never occurred to the staff that this system would retard some children.  When I didn’t conform to their levels I was sent to the Child’s Burns Clinic.  This Clinic was totally unsuitable it was for children with severe behavioural problems and learning difficulties, coupled with the fact that staff could abuse children, because the authorities didn’t check. One Psychiatrist Dr Bineheart diagnosed that I had a genius IQ, she however left and it was never looked at.  I finished my stint at Child’s Burns and thus ended up at Halesebury Special School.  I couldn’t read or write properly I was now severely behind and through no though of my own.  So I was put with Children that were severely retarded.  Staff there were totally unprofessional I remember having a fight with a lad and the teachers just watched us hit each other.  I remember feeling uncomfortable as the school secretary said that she had to check my trousers and then slid her hand down them.  Yes and an Indian teacher used to keep me back for stupid things and did stuff as well.   Anyway that is off the subject.  I learned to read and write in the school half term.  I went from a reading level of below average to above average for my age, which was now seven and half.  I also went from having no chance of going to a normal school to going to a normal school.  This was the lad that psychiatrists at child’s burns excluding Dr Bineheart said wouldn’t even be able to get on a bus from A-B. After going to main stream I was picked on for being different.  I mean 5 lads holding me down and kicking the living daylights out of me.  I learned to fight and fight hard, but the teachers saw me as the problem and told me that I would be sent back to Halesbury if I caused any trouble so I took it all through school then had the bullies on the last day.  Yes bullying did retard my development, it is a natural menace of humanity.  There were no guidelines for teachers in those days and a lot turned a blind eye.   I think they got sadistic pleasure from watching the fights.  But then again more than one person onto a poor child isn’t a fight, is it? At the age of 18 I was frightened to trust anyone; then I went back to college and got my confidence back.  This was years later.  Nobody knows my past now, in fact the teacher at college thought I was always in the A Stream, that is the top stream at school.  I certainly beat people of that calibre at college and Uni.  The reality of the situation was that I was in the bottom set at school, but was top at the bottom set   I learned Algebraic Equations in Quantitative Methods, this was despite the fact I never learned it at school. I passed Quantitative Methods with Distinction the highest mark you could get. I took an independent IQ test and it was then that it was found that I had an IQ level of 155.  I can pick languages up extremely fast and have a high retention span.   I too have written poetry and I can build a computer from scratch and network it.   I find people like me and you have obsessions as children.  I was obsessed with how the test card worked and how the dots built up the TV screen.  Later on I got obsessed with computers and was breaking into games and writing code at the age of 12.  A software house told me off because I was inadvertently telling other people how to break into their programs.  I wrote my own speed loader based on interrupts at the age of 13.  This loaded a commodore 64 game in two min’s. I am sure your children will do the same Ellie, as you did with what you found to be your interests.  I am not saying that you don’t have a genius IQ I can see that, what I am saying is don’t dismiss my genius. As you can see Julia, the Government virtually washed their hands of me, I could have become another statistic.  A child who left school with little education, but I chose not to let my situation get the better of my education. Take care, Steve Chemer27 Julia, <some snipping for space Hi – thanks for not fighting with me. I’m kind of a wary person so I tend to expect sometimes if I open my mouth it will just incite an argument. Ok, that is getting off the subject, but it is the full truth and if you knew the real me then you would realise I am not a bad person.  I have a lot of pent up rage at the moment.  At 18 I wouldn’t talk to anyone, let alone come into a group, I viewed everyone with suspicion. First off, *I* don’t think you’re a bad person. I can’t speak for anyone else. I am wary of you – but then I’m wary of just about everyone My boyfriend is kind of like you when you were 18. Part of it is that he’s really shy and part of it is that because of his upbringing he’s also wary of people and takes a long time to trust them. You remind me a lot of myself. Not these days particularly – I’ve been feeling alot less wary and am alot less inclined to "freak out" and lash out (I think that’s cause I’m old and lazy now …). Anyway, you just remind me of me a few years ago (when I was young and had more energy Just because it seems like you want really badly to trust people and feel safe but it’s so incredibly hard and scary at the same time (groaning at the remembrance of how that felt …). Of course – since I only know you through posting on a newsgroup I could be just projecting how I’ve felt onto you. I don’t know. But that’s what I’m guessing right now. Ok that word was a fraudulent slip; I am deeply sorry that you had to look it up: O) never mind I apologise; even geniuses have bad days, LOL. I know. My boyfriend was a child prodigy and has this sky high IQ but sometimes he makes the silliest mistakes I sometimes think of "genius brains" as like a Triumph motorcycle – really pretty and impressive but lots of upkeep. Never be sorry that you "made me look up something" – that’s my favorite thing to do is to geek around on the www or in a library. I actually think it’s fun to watch "UW TV" (a cable channel here in my region of the U.S.) cause I can watch lectures from Harvard and MIT on physics and math and programming – of course, I understand maybe a tenth of what they’re talking about because it’s usually way past my educational level – but learning stuff and trying to figure stuff out is one of my favorite things. Feel free to challenge me and make me go look something up – it makes me very happy. No seriously I found it a nasty statement about my committing suicide that I flipped and said about her turning anorexic.  By the way I read Silverleafs story, about how her mother blamed her for that man trying to French kiss her, it was tragic, I am not joking, I truly mean that.  But to incite a suicide from Kat that put me over the edge, you have to admit that was out of order? Or maybe I read it wrong.  All I know is that I felt like doing it and I wanted somebody to care enough to say "don’t", but nobody did. Sigh I know what you mean. I’ve said the same thing before and not gotten the response I wanted. One time an old girlfriend even said, "I’m taking you to the hospital where I know you’ll be safe!" and I got really hurt by that – I don’t know why. She just cared. I don’t know. Kaitlyn was reacting the way I probably would too (even though I’ve been in your shoes) because many of us have had someone commit suicide before and it just sets us off freaking out over all the emotions that come up around it. One of my best friends killed himself three years ago and I can’t even tell you how much anger I had that he did that. But I loved him so much and missed him so much it came out sideways for a long time. I know that he was in a lot of pain when he killed himself – but it pissed me off that he would be so selfish as to take his life and leave me without him still on this Earth! Damnit! I needed him here and he just ran off like that! Also, no matter how much I intellectually know that it’s not my fault he died (he never even told me he was thinking of suicide I can’t help but *feel* like I should’ve done something! It’s my fault somehow because I didn’t help him more. I could’ve stopped it but I’m a bad person!  Sigh. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for me, despite my good intentions, sometimes the sentence "I think I’ll kill myself" sends me into an emotional tailspin where I want to curl up in a little ball and scream, "It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!" Not a very healthy reaction, I know – but then, I’m not the most balanced person in the world either! I am not trying to elicit sympathy here, just telling you the facts.  I don’t have to open up like this, but I feel better for doing so.  Same as you needed to vent your anger at me.  Have

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Response:

Pardon the intrusion, but I’m having difficulty resisting this little snafu.  No offense is meant to anyone. And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27

Should we run up and hug a neighbors leg?   Ellie…. who knows spell check only works for misspelled words, not misplaced ones.  :) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (Alan B. Mac Farlane) writes: Good luck Julia – you are talking to a person locked into their suicide/homocide issues.  Try talking to Jim Jones and David Korish – they and Chemer are right – all the time – and you are wrong. Anything comes into their reality that upsets this – like the world being round and not flat  - or homosexuals and lesbians are made by God and God dont make junk and God is not a hyporcrite – or that abortion is not murder in the bible (see Exodus 21:22-27 and everyother scripture) as the fetus has no soul (praetakus, chi, prana, breath of life) and can not be killed – they and Chemer will blindly ignore it, justify their rightness in killing you, as you just dont understand that they will die if you remain living talking like this – or the sanity you printed below. Mindtalk will not touch this guy – only applied psychophysiology will work – and only if he wants to work it. He dont want to work it – he is right in what he does and you are wrong to question it or him. Typical christian fundamental republican nazi. It was a sterling effort to try, but like Dr. Denny he gets off on what he is doing – it is part of his addictions.  And Chemer is not here for recovery – he has a completely hidden adjenda. Why else would he argue about who is smarter and fight over it. What does that have to do with recovery. SumBuddie

Response:

And So Say the lord Jeasus, Blah, Blah, Will you stop using the lords words as a way of justifying your trivial arguments Alan. The Lord did preach Love Thigh Neighbour, or have you forgoten that? Chemer27 (Alan B. Mac Farlane) writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Good luck Julia – you are talking to a person locked into their suicide/homocide issues.  Try talking to Jim Jones and David Korish – they and Chemer are right – all the time – and you are wrong. Anything comes into their reality that upsets this – like the world being round and not flat  - or homosexuals and lesbians are made by God and God dont make junk and God is not a hyporcrite – or that abortion is not murder in the bible (see Exodus 21:22-27 and everyother scripture) as the fetus has no soul (praetakus, chi, prana, breath of life) and can not be killed – they and Chemer will blindly ignore it, justify their rightness in killing you, as you just dont understand that they will die if you remain living talking like this – or the sanity you printed below. Mindtalk will not touch this guy – only applied psychophysiology will work – and only if he wants to work it. He dont want to work it – he is right in what he does and you are wrong to question it or him. Typical christian fundamental republican nazi. It was a sterling effort to try, but like Dr. Denny he gets off on what he is doing – it is part of his addictions.  And Chemer is not here for recovery – he has a completely hidden adjenda. Why else would he argue about who is smarter and fight over it. What does that have to do with recovery. SumBuddie

Response:

Julia, This is what I wrote to Ellie and I think that it is very apt and I can draw strong parallels with my own experiences.  Thank you also for trying to understand, it is appreciated: I am glad that your children have been given the chance to express their genius.  As you are well aware children of that intelligence are constantly trying to find out about the world, ask questions and get bored very easily.   I was sent to a special school because of a system called ITA, have you heard of it.  It is a very strange system that uses a combination of phonetics and a strange alphabet to teach children how to read and write joined up.  It never occurred to the staff that this system would retard some children.  When I didn’t conform to their levels I was sent to the Child’s Burns Clinic.  This Clinic was totally unsuitable it was for children with severe behavioural problems and learning difficulties, coupled with the fact that staff could abuse children, because the authorities didn’t check. One Psychiatrist Dr Bineheart diagnosed that I had a genius IQ, she however left and it was never looked at.  I finished my stint at Child’s Burns and thus ended up at Halesebury Special School.  I couldn’t read or write properly I was now severely behind and through no though of my own.  So I was put with Children that were severely retarded.  Staff there were totally unprofessional I remember having a fight with a lad and the teachers just watched us hit each other.  I remember feeling uncomfortable as the school secretary said that she had to check my trousers and then slid her hand down them.  Yes and an Indian teacher used to keep me back for stupid things and did stuff as well.   Anyway that is off the subject.  I learned to read and write in the school half term.  I went from a reading level of below average to above average for my age, which was now seven and half.  I also went from having no chance of going to a normal school to going to a normal school.  This was the lad that psychiatrists at child’s burns excluding Dr Bineheart said wouldn’t even be able to get on a bus from A-B. After going to main stream I was picked on for being different.  I mean 5 lads holding me down and kicking the living daylights out of me.  I learned to fight and fight hard, but the teachers saw me as the problem and told me that I would be sent back to Halesbury if I caused any trouble so I took it all through school then had the bullies on the last day.  Yes bullying did retard my development, it is a natural menace of humanity.  There were no guidelines for teachers in those days and a lot turned a blind eye.   I think they got sadistic pleasure from watching the fights.  But then again more than one person onto a poor child isn’t a fight, is it? At the age of 18 I was frightened to trust anyone; then I went back to college and got my confidence back.  This was years later.  Nobody knows my past now, in fact the teacher at college thought I was always in the A Stream, that is the top stream at school.  I certainly beat people of that calibre at college and Uni.  The reality of the situation was that I was in the bottom set at school, but was top at the bottom set   I learned Algebraic Equations in Quantitative Methods, this was despite the fact I never learned it at school. I passed Quantitative Methods with Distinction the highest mark you could get. I took an independent IQ test and it was then that it was found that I had an IQ level of 155.  I can pick languages up extremely fast and have a high retention span.   I too have written poetry and I can build a computer from scratch and network it.    I find people like me and you have obsessions as children.  I was obsessed with how the test card worked and how the dots built up the TV screen.  Later on I got obsessed with computers and was breaking into games and writing code at the age of 12.  A software house told me off because I was inadvertently telling other people how to break into their programs.  I wrote my own speed loader based on interrupts at the age of 13.  This loaded a commodore 64 game in two min’s. I am sure your children will do the same Ellie, as you did with what you found to be your interests.  I am not saying that you don’t have a genius IQ I can see that, what I am saying is don’t dismiss my genius. As you can see Julia, the Government virtually washed their hands of me, I could have become another statistic.  A child who left school with little education, but I chose not to let my situation get the better of my education. Take care, Steve Chemer27 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Julia, <some snipping for space Hi – thanks for not fighting with me. I’m kind of a wary person so I tend to expect sometimes if I open my mouth it will just incite an argument. Ok, that is getting off the subject, but it is the full truth and if you knew the real me then you would realise I am not a bad person.  I have a lot of pent up rage at the moment.  At 18 I wouldn’t talk to anyone, let alone come into a group, I viewed everyone with suspicion. First off, *I* don’t think you’re a bad person. I can’t speak for anyone else. I am wary of you – but then I’m wary of just about everyone My boyfriend is kind of like you when you were 18. Part of it is that he’s really shy and part of it is that because of his upbringing he’s also wary of people and takes a long time to trust them. You remind me a lot of myself. Not these days particularly – I’ve been feeling alot less wary and am alot less inclined to "freak out" and lash out (I think that’s cause I’m old and lazy now …). Anyway, you just remind me of me a few years ago (when I was young and had more energy Just because it seems like you want really badly to trust people and feel safe but it’s so incredibly hard and scary at the same time (groaning at the remembrance of how that felt …). Of course – since I only know you through posting on a newsgroup I could be just projecting how I’ve felt onto you. I don’t know. But that’s what I’m guessing right now. Ok that word was a fraudulent slip; I am deeply sorry that you had to look it up: O) never mind I apologise; even geniuses have bad days, LOL. I know. My boyfriend was a child prodigy and has this sky high IQ but sometimes he makes the silliest mistakes I sometimes think of "genius brains" as like a Triumph motorcycle – really pretty and impressive but lots of upkeep. Never be sorry that you "made me look up something" – that’s my favorite thing to do is to geek around on the www or in a library. I actually think it’s fun to watch "UW TV" (a cable channel here in my region of the U.S.) cause I can watch lectures from Harvard and MIT on physics and math and programming – of course, I understand maybe a tenth of what they’re talking about because it’s usually way past my educational level – but learning stuff and trying to figure stuff out is one of my favorite things. Feel free to challenge me and make me go look something up – it makes me very happy. No seriously I found it a nasty statement about my committing suicide that I flipped and said about her turning anorexic.  By the way I read Silverleafs story, about how her mother blamed her for that man trying to French kiss her, it was tragic, I am not joking, I truly mean that.  But to incite a suicide from Kat that put me over the edge, you have to admit that was out of order? Or maybe I read it wrong.  All I know is that I felt like doing it and I wanted somebody to care enough to say "don’t", but nobody did. Sigh I know what you mean. I’ve said the same thing before and not gotten the response I wanted. One time an old girlfriend even said, "I’m taking you to the hospital where I know you’ll be safe!" and I got really hurt by that – I don’t know why. She just cared. I don’t know. Kaitlyn was reacting the way I probably would too (even though I’ve been in your shoes) because many of us have had someone commit suicide before and it just sets us off freaking out over all the emotions that come up around it. One of my best friends killed himself three years ago and I can’t even tell you how much anger I had that he did that. But I loved him so much and missed him so much it came out sideways for a long time. I know that he was in a lot of pain when he killed himself – but it pissed me off that he would be so selfish as to take his life and leave me without him still on this Earth! Damnit! I needed him here and he just ran off like that! Also, no matter how much I intellectually know that it’s not my fault he died (he never even told me he was thinking of suicide I can’t help but *feel* like I should’ve done something! It’s my fault somehow because I didn’t help him more. I could’ve stopped it but I’m a bad person!  Sigh. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for me, despite my good intentions, sometimes the sentence "I think I’ll kill myself" sends me into an emotional tailspin where I want to curl up in a little ball and scream, "It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!" Not a very healthy reaction, I know – but then, I’m not the most balanced person in the world either! I am not trying to elicit sympathy here, just telling you the facts.  I don’t have to open up like this, but I feel better for doing so.  Same as you needed to vent your anger at me.  Have you noticed I haven’t responded in similar kind.  That is because I truly believe you were trying to reach out to me as I have now towards Paul. Yay! You believed me. That takes a lot of courage (in case you don’t realize that). Belive me – if we were in person I’d be slinking around the back of the room trying to be invisible and not talking to

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Response:

dont make junk and God is not a hyporcrite – or that abortion is not murder in the bible (see Exodus 21:22-27 and everyother scripture) as the fetus has no soul (praetakus, chi, prana, breath of life) and can not be killed –

Of all the weird places for this topic to come up … this has been a really big issue for me which I rarely talk about. When I was 22 I had an abortion and it just really fucked me up emotionally. I really wanted the child but was in an abusive relationship and had by far not enough money to support myself or the child, and had no emotional support. In the long run, I believe I saved a child from a potentially really bad childhood (god knows I wouldn’t want anyone to have to have my ex-Todd as a father!). But it just made me feel awful and guilty. I think maybe I’ll look more into what different theories on the fetal state are. My friend, Star had something like four abortions in her life and doesn’t feel bad about them. I don’t know. I guess I think about things too much. Julia

Response:

Julia, I appreciate what you are saying but I think I was valid in the way I reacted given the circumstances. I am re-posting what I said to rossee then you may understand me a bit more. I do admit when I am wrong :O) I have a friend who has a 5-year-old son Paul, who is hyperactive, yet they say he is backward.  I have taught him numerical skills and also his colours, yet his teacher says he doesn’t know them.  His teacher is going to test him in this month, if he fails he goes to a special school.  I am dam sure that this is tantamount to abuse because he will feel like he has done something wrong. Taking him away from his friends and then putting him in an alien environment. When he gets put back in with his classmates 6 months later he will be seen as different and you know what happens to different children! Unfortunately in this country they expect children as young as 5 to have quite good skills.  They are also considering teaching drug abuse and other emotive subjects to the under 5’s.  Class sizes are very high, 35 kids to a class is not uncommon. He was raised in America up to the age of 3 by a child minder and so they think that is a speech impediment.  He has already lost a Sister and a Father who live in America.  The father doesn’t want custody of the child for the simple reason he couldn’t cope or doesn’t want to try.  His Sister hates his mother and it is a sticky ball of wax.  He constantly says his Sisters name.  Julie, this is another Julie, doesn’t want to go back to America. I have been knocked from pillar to post in my life and I don’t want the same thing to happen to Paul.  I care for Julie and she is nothing like my ex, thank god.  But that is all.  However I know what going to a special school and then back to main stream does to you.  I had to toughen up fast.  5 boys kicked the hell out of me because I was different.  I don’t want Paul having those feelings.  I know I can’t protect him for his life and it is up to his mother, but she also is under medication. Ok, that is getting off the subject, but it is the full truth and if you knew the real me then you would realise I am not a bad person.  I have a lot of pent up rage at the moment.  At 18 I wouldn’t talk to anyone, let alone come into a group, I viewed everyone with suspicion. Ok that word was a fraudulent slip; I am deeply sorry that you had to look it up: O) never mind I apologise; even geniuses have bad days, LOL. No seriously I found it a nasty statement about my committing suicide that I flipped and said about her turning anorexic.  By the way I read Silverleafs story, about how her mother blamed her for that man trying to French kiss her, it was tragic, I am not joking, I truly mean that.  But to incite a suicide from Kat that put me over the edge, you have to admit that was out of order? Or maybe I read it wrong.  All I know is that I felt like doing it and I wanted somebody to care enough to say "don’t", but nobody did. I am not trying to elicit sympathy here, just telling you the facts.  I don’t have to open up like this, but I feel better for doing so.  Same as you needed to vent your anger at me.  Have you noticed I haven’t responded in similar kind.  That is because I truly believe you were trying to reach out to me as I have now towards Paul. It is so difficult to convey my messages over this thing.  I hope AOL includes live voice chat in number 5.  As a lot can change with the accent. I do have a voice programme that I downloaded and it is pretty good http://www.mplayer.com/welcome.html You have to just go through the simple menus.  I feel if I could talk to you people it would be far better.  If you could hear my emotion and I yours. Anyway I have got a bit off the subject.  I know this is no excuse but I had Paul on my mind and also the woman let me down who was going to meet with me. Then I saw the post inciting me to Commit Suicide and I flipped.  I am human no matter what you may think here.  I wasn’t born on mars: O), well ok maybe Jupiter. You see, all this has been on my mind, coupled with the fact that my mom may still very much have the cancer in her body and time appears to excellerate to a phenomenal rate.  I just went over board when someone tried to elicit me into suicide.  Yes I was looking for someone to say they cared enough, but what I got was that responce. So, please try and understand Julia, I am trying, I know this is hard for you to understand, but I am. Chemer27 Chemer27 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not expecting this to be a useful post in any sort of communication between us. So, you don’t really need to reply. In fact, if you’re just going to argue with me and try to show me up – don’t bother replying because it won’t do any good. I’m not going to get into some sort of power play with you or "who’s smarter" fight. You probably know more about some things than I do, and I know more about some things than you do. Anyway, I don’t like seeing this go on. I just keep wanting to lean over and say "Please – stop this. It’s gone too far." Don’t bother fighting over whether it’s "deformation of character" or "defamation of character" – giving you the benefit of the doubt, I looked it up in British law thinking just maybe you guys word it differently than the US and Canada. You don’t. It is "defamation" not "deformation". And lawyer is spelled "lawyer" not "lawer" even where you are. You don’t need to be a genius in everything. Nobody is a genius in everything. In fact, you don’t even need to be a genius. You definitely don’t have to show everyone here you are smarter than them – it just doesn’t matter. You are worth quite a bit no matter what your IQ and no matter what your spelling is like. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life so I know of whence I speak. People, in general, tend to be defensive (myself included) and I think most cultures were brought up with "an eye for an eye" being the "right" way to live. But sometimes, the biggest man is the one who says, "Look – you can stand there and insult me all you want but I’m not going to play your game. I’m not going to lash back." And sometimes, when one does that they realize that the person they thought were insulting them isn’t – that it was just a misunderstanding. I hope everything turns out ok for you. This whole mess is really hard to watch and makes me sad. At first I just felt peevish at you for being so hostile and rude but now I’m starting to feel sad and I just want you to know it’s ok to quit fighting and to quit trying to impress us. Julia

Response:

Julia,

<some snipping for space Hi – thanks for not fighting with me. I’m kind of a wary person so I tend to expect sometimes if I open my mouth it will just incite an argument. Ok, that is getting off the subject, but it is the full truth and if you knew the real me then you would realise I am not a bad person.  I have a lot of pent up rage at the moment.  At 18 I wouldn’t talk to anyone, let alone come into a group, I viewed everyone with suspicion.

First off, *I* don’t think you’re a bad person. I can’t speak for anyone else. I am wary of you – but then I’m wary of just about everyone My boyfriend is kind of like you when you were 18. Part of it is that he’s really shy and part of it is that because of his upbringing he’s also wary of people and takes a long time to trust them. You remind me a lot of myself. Not these days particularly – I’ve been feeling alot less wary and am alot less inclined to "freak out" and lash out (I think that’s cause I’m old and lazy now …). Anyway, you just remind me of me a few years ago (when I was young and had more energy Just because it seems like you want really badly to trust people and feel safe but it’s so incredibly hard and scary at the same time (groaning at the remembrance of how that felt …). Of course – since I only know you through posting on a newsgroup I could be just projecting how I’ve felt onto you. I don’t know. But that’s what I’m guessing right now. Ok that word was a fraudulent slip; I am deeply sorry that you had to look it up: O) never mind I apologise; even geniuses have bad days, LOL.

I know. My boyfriend was a child prodigy and has this sky high IQ but sometimes he makes the silliest mistakes I sometimes think of "genius brains" as like a Triumph motorcycle – really pretty and impressive but lots of upkeep. Never be sorry that you "made me look up something" – that’s my favorite thing to do is to geek around on the www or in a library. I actually think it’s fun to watch "UW TV" (a cable channel here in my region of the U.S.) cause I can watch lectures from Harvard and MIT on physics and math and programming – of course, I understand maybe a tenth of what they’re talking about because it’s usually way past my educational level – but learning stuff and trying to figure stuff out is one of my favorite things. Feel free to challenge me and make me go look something up – it makes me very happy. No seriously I found it a nasty statement about my committing suicide that I flipped and said about her turning anorexic.  By the way I read Silverleafs story, about how her mother blamed her for that man trying to French kiss her, it was tragic, I am not joking, I truly mean that.  But to incite a suicide from Kat that put me over the edge, you have to admit that was out of order? Or maybe I read it wrong.  All I know is that I felt like doing it and I wanted somebody to care enough to say "don’t", but nobody did.

Sigh I know what you mean. I’ve said the same thing before and not gotten the response I wanted. One time an old girlfriend even said, "I’m taking you to the hospital where I know you’ll be safe!" and I got really hurt by that – I don’t know why. She just cared. I don’t know. Kaitlyn was reacting the way I probably would too (even though I’ve been in your shoes) because many of us have had someone commit suicide before and it just sets us off freaking out over all the emotions that come up around it. One of my best friends killed himself three years ago and I can’t even tell you how much anger I had that he did that. But I loved him so much and missed him so much it came out sideways for a long time. I know that he was in a lot of pain when he killed himself – but it pissed me off that he would be so selfish as to take his life and leave me without him still on this Earth! Damnit! I needed him here and he just ran off like that! Also, no matter how much I intellectually know that it’s not my fault he died (he never even told me he was thinking of suicide I can’t help but *feel* like I should’ve done something! It’s my fault somehow because I didn’t help him more. I could’ve stopped it but I’m a bad person!  Sigh. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for me, despite my good intentions, sometimes the sentence "I think I’ll kill myself" sends me into an emotional tailspin where I want to curl up in a little ball and scream, "It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!" Not a very healthy reaction, I know – but then, I’m not the most balanced person in the world either! I am not trying to elicit sympathy here, just telling you the facts.  I don’t have to open up like this, but I feel better for doing so.  Same as you needed to vent your anger at me.  Have you noticed I haven’t responded in similar kind.  That is because I truly believe you were trying to reach out to me as I have now towards Paul.

Yay! You believed me. That takes a lot of courage (in case you don’t realize that). Belive me – if we were in person I’d be slinking around the back of the room trying to be invisible and not talking to anyone unless I’d known them for a year or more. And even then I’d probably view them as a "transient person in my life". I know how hard it is to open up and to take someone at face value. It is so difficult to convey my messages over this thing.  I hope AOL includes live voice chat in number 5.  As a lot can change with the accent.

Oh … live voice chat … too scary for me! Although, I’ve always enjoyed English accents. Although, when I dated Jon (who btw – in response to your previous slam that I drove him crazy – I did That’s why we are only friends now. But he drove me crazy too!) I swear I only understood two-thirds of what he was saying. I got tired of saying "what" every other sentence so I usually just would smile and nod. You see, all this has been on my mind, coupled with the fact that my mom may still very much have the cancer in her body and time appears to excellerate to a phenomenal rate.  I just went over board when someone tried to elicit me into suicide.  Yes I was looking for someone to say they cared enough, but what I got was that responce. So, please try and understand Julia, I am trying, I know this is hard for you to understand, but I am.

Not as hard as you may think. I remember a few months ago when I was getting all weirded out because people were having (what seemed to me) such viscious arguments with each other over things that seemed blown out of proportion. And I said the same thing I said to you – about not lashing back and "turn the other cheek" and be a bigger man … blah blah blah … and I had just quit a job because of an abusive boss, and this woman got mad at me for some reason and wrote to me that "I deserved to be treated badly cause I’m just a bitch and all my next bosses will be just as terrible to me cause I make them" or something like that and I *flipped*! I wrote some sort of diatribe of profanity and insults and just lost it. I’ve mentioned it in other posts but I used to be a pretty violent person. This of course, was not a problem for most because I’m physically pretty small (ok – not as small as I used to be but now it’s all pudge so it’s not very scary!). But it was a trait I learned from my father and I hate my father – so I’ve tried really hard not to be like him. But boy, I swear sometimes when there’s just so much pressure I could snap – it’s hard not to just lash out. And sometimes I do and then I have to go clean up the mess I made. There’ll always be bullies and shitty people – but after many misunderstandings, I’ve found that not everyone is what they at first appeared to me. (just thinking about some of the nasty things I said to you when you first came around …) I’m trying too. I’m not a bad person either. I just have a vicious mouth and am often pretty scared. I hope you give me a chance and try to understand me too. Julia – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Chemer27 Chemer27 I’m not expecting this to be a useful post in any sort of communication between us. So, you don’t really need to reply. In fact, if you’re just going to argue with me and try to show me up – don’t bother replying because it won’t do any good. I’m not going to get into some sort of power play with you or "who’s smarter" fight. You probably know more about some things than I do, and I know more about some things than you do. Anyway, I don’t like seeing this go on. I just keep wanting to lean over and say "Please – stop this. It’s gone too far." Don’t bother fighting over whether it’s "deformation of character" or "defamation of character" – giving you the benefit of the doubt, I looked it up in British law thinking just maybe you guys word it differently than the US and Canada. You don’t. It is "defamation" not "deformation". And lawyer is spelled "lawyer" not "lawer" even where you are. You don’t need to be a genius in everything. Nobody is a genius in everything. In fact, you don’t even need to be a genius. You definitely don’t have to show everyone here you are smarter than them – it just doesn’t matter. You are worth quite a bit no matter what your IQ and no matter what your spelling is like. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life so I know of whence I speak. People, in general, tend to be defensive (myself included) and I think most cultures were brought up with "an eye for an eye" being the "right" way to live. But sometimes, the biggest man is the one who says, "Look – you can stand there and insult me all you want but I’m not going to play your game. I’m not going to lash back." And sometimes, when one does that they realize that the person they thought were

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Response:

Good luck Julia – you are talking to a person locked into their suicide/homocide issues.  Try talking to Jim Jones and David Korish – they and Chemer are right – all the time – and you are wrong. Anything comes into their reality that upsets this – like the world being round and not flat  - or homosexuals and lesbians are made by God and God dont make junk and God is not a hyporcrite – or that abortion is not murder in the bible (see Exodus 21:22-27 and everyother scripture) as the fetus has no soul (praetakus, chi, prana, breath of life) and can not be killed – they and Chemer will blindly ignore it, justify their rightness in killing you, as you just dont understand that they will die if you remain living talking like this – or the sanity you printed below. Mindtalk will not touch this guy – only applied psychophysiology will work – and only if he wants to work it. He dont want to work it – he is right in what he does and you are wrong to question it or him. Typical christian fundamental republican nazi. It was a sterling effort to try, but like Dr. Denny he gets off on what he is doing – it is part of his addictions.  And Chemer is not here for recovery – he has a completely hidden adjenda. Why else would he argue about who is smarter and fight over it. What does that have to do with recovery. SumBuddie In article – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not expecting this to be a useful post in any sort of communication between us. So, you don’t really need to reply. In fact, if you’re just going to argue with me and try to show me up – don’t bother replying because it won’t do any good. I’m not going to get into some sort of power play with you or "who’s smarter" fight. You probably know more about some things than I do, and I know more about some things than you do. Anyway, I don’t like seeing this go on. I just keep wanting to lean over and say "Please – stop this. It’s gone too far." Don’t bother fighting over whether it’s "deformation of character" or "defamation of character" – giving you the benefit of the doubt, I looked it up in British law thinking just maybe you guys word it differently than the US and Canada. You don’t. It is "defamation" not "deformation". And lawyer is spelled "lawyer" not "lawer" even where you are. You don’t need to be a genius in everything. Nobody is a genius in everything. In fact, you don’t even need to be a genius. You definitely don’t have to show everyone here you are smarter than them – it just doesn’t matter. You are worth quite a bit no matter what your IQ and no matter what your spelling is like. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life so I know of whence I speak. People, in general, tend to be defensive (myself included) and I think most cultures were brought up with "an eye for an eye" being the "right" way to live. But sometimes, the biggest man is the one who says, "Look – you can stand there and insult me all you want but I’m not going to play your game. I’m not going to lash back." And sometimes, when one does that they realize that the person they thought were insulting them isn’t – that it was just a misunderstanding. I hope everything turns out ok for you. This whole mess is really hard to watch and makes me sad. At first I just felt peevish at you for being so hostile and rude but now I’m starting to feel sad and I just want you to know it’s ok to quit fighting and to quit trying to impress us. Julia

Response:

Julia – hugs and hugs You are such a cool person Crisis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not expecting this to be a useful post in any sort of communication between us. So, you don’t really need to reply. In fact, if you’re just going to argue with me and try to show me up – don’t bother replying because it won’t do any good. I’m not going to get into some sort of power play with you or "who’s smarter" fight. You probably know more about some things than I do, and I know more about some things than you do. Anyway, I don’t like seeing this go on. I just keep wanting to lean over and say "Please – stop this. It’s gone too far." Don’t bother fighting over whether it’s "deformation of character" or "defamation of character" – giving you the benefit of the doubt, I looked it up in British law thinking just maybe you guys word it differently than the US and Canada. You don’t. It is "defamation" not "deformation". And lawyer is spelled "lawyer" not "lawer" even where you are. You don’t need to be a genius in everything. Nobody is a genius in everything. In fact, you don’t even need to be a genius. You definitely don’t have to show everyone here you are smarter than them – it just doesn’t matter. You are worth quite a bit no matter what your IQ and no matter what your spelling is like. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life so I know of whence I speak. People, in general, tend to be defensive (myself included) and I think most cultures were brought up with "an eye for an eye" being the "right" way to live. But sometimes, the biggest man is the one who says, "Look – you can stand there and insult me all you want but I’m not going to play your game. I’m not going to lash back." And sometimes, when one does that they realize that the person they thought were insulting them isn’t – that it was just a misunderstanding. I hope everything turns out ok for you. This whole mess is really hard to watch and makes me sad. At first I just felt peevish at you for being so hostile and rude but now I’m starting to feel sad and I just want you to know it’s ok to quit fighting and to quit trying to impress us. Julia

Response:

I’m not expecting this to be a useful post in any sort of communication between us. So, you don’t really need to reply. In fact, if you’re just going to argue with me and try to show me up – don’t bother replying because it won’t do any good. I’m not going to get into some sort of power play with you or "who’s smarter" fight. You probably know more about some things than I do, and I know more about some things than you do. Anyway, I don’t like seeing this go on. I just keep wanting to lean over and say "Please – stop this. It’s gone too far." Don’t bother fighting over whether it’s "deformation of character" or "defamation of character" – giving you the benefit of the doubt, I looked it up in British law thinking just maybe you guys word it differently than the US and Canada. You don’t. It is "defamation" not "deformation". And lawyer is spelled "lawyer" not "lawer" even where you are. You don’t need to be a genius in everything. Nobody is a genius in everything. In fact, you don’t even need to be a genius. You definitely don’t have to show everyone here you are smarter than them – it just doesn’t matter. You are worth quite a bit no matter what your IQ and no matter what your spelling is like. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life so I know of whence I speak. People, in general, tend to be defensive (myself included) and I think most cultures were brought up with "an eye for an eye" being the "right" way to live. But sometimes, the biggest man is the one who says, "Look – you can stand there and insult me all you want but I’m not going to play your game. I’m not going to lash back." And sometimes, when one does that they realize that the person they thought were insulting them isn’t – that it was just a misunderstanding. I hope everything turns out ok for you. This whole mess is really hard to watch and makes me sad. At first I just felt peevish at you for being so hostile and rude but now I’m starting to feel sad and I just want you to know it’s ok to quit fighting and to quit trying to impress us. Julia

Response: