Talk Cancer

Question:

2 WEEKS AGO TODAY  MY GRANDMA WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL WITH A SLIGHT DISCOMFORT TO HER STOMACH. 2 WEEKS LATER AFTER  MANY TEST WE FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS ADVANCED CANCER THAT  HAS SPREAD THROUGHOUT HER WHOLE BODY. I WAS THE ONLY GRANDCHILD FOR 10 YEARS AND SPEND ALOT OF TIME WITH MY GRANDPARENTS. ME AND MY GRANDMA TALK ON THE PHONE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND SHES MY BEST FRIEND. IVE NEVER LOST ANYONE SO CLOSE TO ME BEFORE. ALTHOUGH SHES NOT GONE YET IT FEELS LIKE A PART OF ME IS MISSING. SHES GETTING WORSE AND  I FEEL SELFISH BECAUSE I WANT TO REMEMBER MY GRANDMA WELL AND THE WAY SHE WAS AND ITS HARD FOR ME TO VISIT HER IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO BE STRONG. MY HEART BREAKS FOR MY MOM . GRANDPA AND MY AUNTS . I KNOW DEATH IS SOMETHING THAT WE ALL HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND I KNOW SHE IS GOING TO A BETTER PLACE. I HAVE A WONDERFUL GRANDMA AND I KNOW GOD’S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF  HER. BUT IT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN .. IT DOESN’T STOP THE TEARS .

A phrase, "celebrate X’s life" is often used at funerals.  If you can manage, make a point of asking your grandma about life when she was growing up and about what she might know of her parents’ daily life.  It will have been very different from your experiences today.  It will not seem like any big thing to her, since she and all her friends had pretty much the same experiences, but the recollection of her day-to-day life will give you an oral history that you can pass on to your children and grandchildren.

Response:

Hi Britney, I’m very sorry to hear about your grandmother. I just lost my mother 7 weeks ago to cancer. It still feels like it just happened, and I am still in total shock that my mom just isn’t here anymore. But I too am convinced that God is taking really good care of her, and she wouldn’t even want to come back here if she could. I agree with Su-Texas who says that you are very lucky to have this chance to say goodbye to her. My mother was not supposed to have "terminal" cancer but it spread so quickly, I wasn’t able to get home in time to say goodbye to her. Cherish the time you have left with her, and try as hard as possible to make those hospital visits. It kills me to know that I didn’t have that chance. My flight was scheduled for Thursday, June 13 and she died the night of the 12th. But I know that my mom is happy now, there’s no suffering, and she’s watching out for me from Heaven. And I WILL see her again. I know what you mean about wanting to remember her well. I do have a vivid memory of seeing my mom back in May when she was still able to sit up and talk to me, and hug me. But I would give anything to have spent her last moments with her, and to make sure that she knew I was there for her when she left this world. You will be able to remember the good times too, with the comfort of knowing that you were there for her when things were bad too. And I also can attest to the fact that even though I know she’s well now, and in a better place, the pain doesn’t stop, and the tears don’t stop, but being aware of every step of the grieving process is a big help. My sister and I are constantly reporting our current state. "I’m in the anger phase today", or "Today I woke up in the denial phase and ended up in the despair phase tonight". It really helps and it reminds me too that no, I’m not crazy, I’m just grieving. Grieving is a very important process to go through. If you feel the need to cry, don’t hold back, if you feel the need to vent, do so, and if you find yourself laughing at something, don’t stop yourself out of guilt. That’s one of the biggest struggles I am facing now, not beating myself up and forcing myself back into despair because I don’t have a mother anymore to share the good times with. Remain prayerful and keep in mind that one day, things will start looking up. I have read that the grieving process should take about a year, but the pain and the void that I feel will never heal completely. But I will continue to live life to the fullest. My mother would have wanted that, and I’m sure that your grandmother wants the same for you. You are not alone. God bless you.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 2 WEEKS AGO TODAY  MY GRANDMA WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL WITH A SLIGHT DISCOMFORT TO HER STOMACH. 2 WEEKS LATER AFTER  MANY TEST WE FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS ADVANCED CANCER THAT  HAS SPREAD THROUGHOUT HER WHOLE BODY. I WAS THE ONLY GRANDCHILD FOR 10 YEARS AND SPEND ALOT OF TIME WITH MY GRANDPARENTS. ME AND MY GRANDMA TALK ON THE PHONE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND SHES MY BEST FRIEND. IVE NEVER LOST ANYONE SO CLOSE TO ME BEFORE. ALTHOUGH SHES NOT GONE YET IT FEELS LIKE A PART OF ME IS MISSING. SHES GETTING WORSE AND  I FEEL SELFISH BECAUSE I WANT TO REMEMBER MY GRANDMA WELL AND THE WAY SHE WAS AND ITS HARD FOR ME TO VISIT HER IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO BE STRONG. MY HEART BREAKS FOR MY MOM . GRANDPA AND MY AUNTS . I KNOW DEATH IS SOMETHING THAT WE ALL HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND I KNOW SHE IS GOING TO A BETTER PLACE. I HAVE A WONDERFUL GRANDMA AND I KNOW GOD’S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF  HER. BUT IT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN .. IT DOESN’T STOP THE TEARS .

Response:

Yep, like forgiving, letting go and moving on. J When To Forgive, When Not This is a different topic/subject, from grieving a grandmother’s illness. There are good & bad things in almost everything, including in the forgiveness process. As far as I know, forgiving all others for everything, is Not one of the steps in the grieving process, … & in some cases, it would be downright dumb (& also very selfish) to do so. I have learned from experience, that each time you forgive evil/bad people, then they will just get meaner & worse the next time, … so there need/have to be some enforceable penalties for their wrongdoing, in order to better control them. Making Things Better, Safer, More Fair If you can make a positive difference for yourself & for others, … by pursuing a crime/meanness/etc. through the courts, by getting some justice, & by making some positive changes in the system/government, … & if you feel right about doing it, & are willing to invest your time & energy, … then go for it, do it (as a hobby). Working for positive changes, is important to me, … especially since I have now faced/endured so many crimes & meannesses so often, … & I am suffering so much physical pain (& so many hardships) from them. I will fight for positive changes, for as long as I have left, … partly because I am too injured to do anything else. If everyone would try sometimes, to work for positive changes, then just imagine what good could be done.  :) Some Hard-Won Victories! Today, I may have made some significant progress, in my dealing with the State Abuse Dept. concerning the MHMR, … & I do need to celebrate that, after I get some rest. I also got my MHMR records today, which is a major victory, … & in the next few days, I will need to review them for slander/etc. With some positive changes (esp. in management), the Sabine Valley MHMR might can be reorganized, to where it can much better serve the needs of the people here, … instead of its being just another fake-front-type govt  agency. This is an important fight, that can benefit many people. Choices:  Looking Upwards, Towards The Future I am still very hopeful of reaching good medical care for my injuries, after the cancer treatments are finished, … of getting better, … & of getting to live a much better life. However, in the meantime, I can fight for some positive changes in our govt/etc systems, … while also living in squallor & hardship, surviving cancer treatments, suffering horribly from the worsening injuries, fighting to learn about & find good medical care, surviving the ongoing birth-family abuse, surviving crimes & meanness as they happen, surviving meetings with the grinning-idiot/wont-work/sadistic-type doctors, … At times, it is like walking a tight-rope.  One of the tricks, is not to look down. I have hope & keep trying.  :) Susan, Su_Texas  my opinions

Response:

The Grieving Process I cant remember the exact steps, but it goes something like this: Some people get stuck in/at one step, choose to stay there, & never move on, … which is a shame & a waste. Other people make better choices.

Yep, like forgiving, letting go and moving on. J

Response:

2 WEEKS AGO TODAY  MY GRANDMA WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL WITH A SLIGHT DISCOMFORT TO HER STOMACH. 2 WEEKS LATER AFTER  MANY TEST WE FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS ADVANCED CANCER THAT  HAS SPREAD THROUGHOUT HER WHOLE BODY. I WAS THE ONLY GRANDCHILD FOR 10 YEARS AND SPEND ALOT OF TIME WITH MY GRANDPARENTS. ME AND MY GRANDMA TALK ON THE PHONE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND SHES MY BEST FRIEND. IVE NEVER LOST ANYONE SO CLOSE TO ME BEFORE. ALTHOUGH SHES NOT GONE YET IT FEELS LIKE A PART OF ME IS MISSING. SHES GETTING WORSE AND  I FEEL SELFISH BECAUSE I WANT TO REMEMBER MY GRANDMA WELL AND THE WAY SHE WAS AND ITS HARD FOR ME TO VISIT HER IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO BE STRONG. MY HEART BREAKS FOR MY MOM . GRANDPA AND MY AUNTS . I KNOW DEATH IS SOMETHING THAT WE ALL HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND I KNOW SHE IS GOING TO A BETTER PLACE. I HAVE A WONDERFUL GRANDMA AND I KNOW GOD’S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF  HER. BUT IT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN .. IT DOESN’T STOP THE TEARS .

Response:

The Grieving Process I cant remember the exact steps, but it goes something like this: 1. Denial, pain, betrayal, shock, shame, helplessness, emotional turmoil (At times like this, I go outside, & walk & walk.   I hug my dogs.   I go to the library, to the grocery, to a movie theater, spend time with friends (laughing & chatting), … I go anywhere to escape/run-away, until things calm down a bit.) (I also start making lists, of what I plan to do that is positive, to make the situation better and/or to get some justice in the future. Then, I keep revising & adding to these lists, as I get new ideas & learn new stuff.) 2. Blame, anger, rage, screaming, yelling, bargaining, regrets (If only I had …) (At this time, I will often sing very loudly, while listening to oldies, or while listening to the radio as I drive.  I will quote poetry loudly. I will loudly quote articles/posts that I have written.  I will do these things, when I am alone of course.   These are my rituals, for helping me to better dealing with the trauma & pain.  I will also start cleaning & doing chores, while I am listening to music & singing.  This helps me to get rid, of some of the pent-up/excess energy, & the need to do something Right Now!) 3. Depression, sadness, crying, hopelessness (Since I have now been through so much so often, I usually dont go through this stage.  I always have hope, & always keep trying.) 4. Numbness, a sort of limbo where you stop feeling anything. (Disassociation) (For me, this can last from a day to a week, before I start to feel better, … if what happened was super-bad.) 5. Then you start to get & feel better. You regain some hope, make a new daily & life plan, & can move forward again. (You can take small easy steps, in positive directions & ways, until you get your emotional "balance" & confidence back again.) Some people get stuck in/at one step, choose to stay there, & never move on, … which is a shame & a waste. Other people make better choices. Susan, Su_Texas  my opinions

Response:

Hi Britney, I am very sorry that your grandmother is ill. You are lucky to have had her with you for so long, … & that you are being given this chance, to spend a few last moments with her & to say goodbye. Sometimes, our loved ones (of any age) are taken from us suddenly & without warning. Nothing in this life is certain.  Everything changes. At times of great loss, it is important to know about (& to choose to go through) the steps of the grieving process. I am feeling very weak today, so I cant remember them right now. I have written about them before on newsgroups, so I will go back & look for that, & try to print it here later. You will be OK. Take care. Susan, Su_Texas  my opinions

Response: