Talk Cancer » Cancer Hospital » Hodgkins Disease and Relationships
Hodgkins Disease and Relationships
Question:
My girlfriend was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma early July of last year. It certainly made the summer a rather unpleasant experience. Well, even though she had this illness, she decided to continue studying at school. We’re both students, and we also live together. Because she’s away from home during school, I had been deemed the "primary care-giver". At the onset of the disease, I must admit, I had no idea what this title would mean — it certainly didn’t sound too difficult, afterall, we would be getting through all this TOGETHER, right? We had just gotten together in February of the same year, so we were still considered a "new couple" when she got the disease. Since that time, I’ve watched our once passionate relationship diminish — everything exciting about starting a new relationship was chucked out the window. My soulmate was becoming a stranger to me. As many people in my position can realize that there is much sacrifice involved when your with someone with cancer — instead of both people in a relationship contibuting to a harmonious bond, the person not "suffering" is forced to hold the relationship together, alone, amidst a time of utter chaos. I didn’t think that it would be too hard, afterall I did consider myself a "giver", not so much a "taker". Well, I found that even the most giving persons eventually run out of things to give. Over time I found that I DID need something back from this relationship. I started to feel very neglected and unappreciated. I started to lose my self-esteem and fell into several bouts of depression. I understood that I couldn’t EXPECT anything from my girlfriend, who had become very withdrawn over time, as this proved to be very destructive. So my options seemed to be: endure the suffering, or destroy the relationship … not very attractive choices, eh? Well, I’ve found the whole experience to be rather damaging to myself. I’ve suffered both mental and physical anguish from this. But I’ve recently found some comfort in counsellors and social workers. I have yet to attend a support group, and this is my first time posting in this newsgroup. So, I’m looking for ways of coping, as the "care-giver". Today, my girlfriend had finished her chemo requirements (many CHeers!), and just has to follow up with some radation therapy. She’s almost been given a clean bill, so to speak. The problem is that she’s a "new" person from all of this — *I* am not. Sure, the experience has effected me in many ways, but I still have the same passions and feelings as I did BEFORE she got sick. Well, even if I have changed into a new person, this doesn’t comfort me too much. If this is the case, we may find that these two "new" people may not be as compatible as the two "old" ones. Can anyone see my frustration? I’ve sacrificed much through this whole ordeal, hoping to preserve our relationship, and I shudder to think that it was all done in vain. It is my hope that there is someone out there in a similar situation who could give me some advice on how to deal with this. I think one of my problems was that I really had no one to talk to about this. You may reply through posting, or directly e-mailing me at: Thank you to those who took the time to read this rather long anecdote. Sincerely, | | | ’ | ‘,/ | |/ ,/ | ‘ McMaster University | | |( | _/ ) | | _/ ) | | | Hamilton, Ontario
Response:
: My girlfriend was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma early July of : last year. It certainly made the summer a rather unpleasant experience. : Well, even though she had this illness, she decided to continue studying : at school. We’re both students, and we also live together. Because she’s : away from home during school, I had been deemed the "primary : care-giver". [snip] : almost been given a clean bill, so to speak. The problem is that she’s a : "new" person from all of this — *I* am not. Sure, the experience has : effected me in many ways, but I still have the same passions and feelings : as I did BEFORE she got sick. Well, even if I have changed into a new : person, this doesn’t comfort me too much. If this is the case, we may : find that these two "new" people may not be as compatible as the two : "old" ones. Can anyone see my frustration? I’ve sacrificed much through : this whole ordeal, hoping to preserve our relationship, and I shudder to : think that it was all done in vain. Cancer often causes the patient to examine their life and decide what is REALLY important. After all, the possibility of not being alive at some point within this calendar year can be an eye-openning experience. The day to day problems of pre-patient days truely become unimportant. So cancer is know to bring an incredible focus to the patient’s live. To support people, the same can be said as well… I have a renewed appreciation for the patient…I’m just happy they are alive and happy…is that too much to ask? I’ve learned to appreciate the MOMENT and not put things off. In a sentence: Cancer changes your life forever. This is referring to both patient and support people. It changed my life. Not all people feel this way. Many people don’t like to have their life interrupted…there is a strong sense of putting the cancer experience behind you…to forget about it. I can empathize with this concern…I don’t like to dwell upon unpleasant times either. But this is too simplistic. I believe we must take the good and the bad of life and learn to grow, evolve…. In your particular case, your girlfriend has grown. Perhaps you have too…though not necessarily in the same direction. What does she want in life? What do you want in life? Is there an overlap? Loren Buhle
Response:
I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease twice in three years. The first go around was treated with 21 weeks of radiation therapy to my neck, chest, abdomen, and pelvis in late 1991/early 1992. My wife was pregnant with our first (and only to date) child at the time. I went in for staging surgery and a 10 day hospital stay 1 1/2 weeks after my daughter was born. My wife had a C-Section and I had abdominal surgery withinb 1 week of eachother, and we had a new baby. We had to get through it together. We recovered and made it a family event. We had to because we had eachother to hold ourselves up through all the emotional roller-coaster of those times. Three years later, after we were well on with our lives, the Hodgkins disease returned. I believe this means that it was never gone, perhaps sommeone out there can confirm that for me. This time I had to endure 5 months of chemotherapy. This was totally demoralizing. I thought I had licked this thing. I gained 10-15 pounds during chemo, I wasn’t able to work full days (which is a terrible blow to my work ethic), I lost all my body hair, I felt sick all the time, etc. I became, and remain depressed. Chemo has been over for 2 1/2 months now and I am still trying to get the number of that truck that came into my life, destroyed me for 5+ months, then went away to possibly never be seen again. I also have to think about possibly getting Hodgkin’s disease, or another cancer 20, 30, 40 years from now. I am currently sterile, so the decision to have more childeren has been stripped from me. These things are very difficult for a 19 year old to deal with. I have the benefit of a loving, caring wife who put up with much more than I think I would have been able to. She has always been there at my side. Someone depressed from a traumatic diagnosis doesn’t want a cheer leader, they want an ear. They want answers to questions which have no answers. It is very tough to maintain a relationship with such heavy things on your mind. It is even tougher to eliminate those things from your mind. However long your girlfriend has been finished with treatments, she needs time to heal, both physically and emotionally. I suggest you attend a support group for spouses, family, and friends and discuss your situation with others in your situation. I may also let my wife e-mail you her inner feelings and advice. I can only speak from the victims view, not the spouse/friend/significant other of a victim. hope this helps. Sincerely, Michael G. Brown Evansville, IN
Response:
correction: I stated my age as 19 in the letter, that was a typo. I am 29.