Talk Cancer

Question:

Okay, so he can’t win now……..however, I understand where you are both  coming from. My dh’s dad was diagnosed in Jan. 2000 with terminal cancer….. I came to this ng for ideas and support…. People here told me to give as much support as possible to dh and family    (some members of which I wasn’t (still aren’t) fond of……including FIL) It took a while, but I bit my tongue whenever dh spent whole days over there with his folks, (his dad never was admitted to hospital)…. I tried to be calm and be there for him . It was NOT easy. But it paid off….after his dad died, July 28/2000, I helped with funeral arrangements, etc…….and dh repeatedly thanked me for being so supportive, etc. It actually brought us together…. So, anyway. You know your dh doesn’t care for your folks, although of course you do. He has now offered to accompany you. You have to let this settle, and then decide whether you *really* need him there, or  can you go on your own without resenting him? Think honestly. Then tell him your honest feelings, knowing he will never be thrilled about visiting your folks , either way. I think that this is an incredibly stressful time for you…..and every reaction you have may be an "overreaction"……don’t think I don’t understand, I do…… so try to relax…… and talk to your dh. And let us know what happens…. hope this helps somehow…. Kim

Response:

He really has no clue that he has hurt you or why? He feels comfortable enough with you to say that he is only going as far as his mothers because you have always excepted his dislike for your family. Listen to the men who are replying to your post, they speak the truth, They are clueless when it comes to hints and they do not know what is expected of them unless we tell them. If i am upset with my husband and do not tell him why, once we sit down and hash it out, he always comes up with these off the wall reasons  why he thinks i was mad that have nothing to do with why i was mad. Don’t just be mad at him regardless of if he goes or not, that is not fair to him, give him the chance to tell you what he is feeling, and give him a chance to be there when you really need him. you will both be glad you did.

DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!

Response:

On Mon, 2 Oct 2000 08:55:12 -0700 (PDT), KTGO…@webtv.net (Karen) wrote: >them unless we tell them. If i am upset with my husband and do not tell >him why, once we sit down and hash it out, he always comes up with these >off the wall reasons  why he thinks i was mad that have nothing to do >with why i was mad. Don’t just be mad at him regardless of if he goes or >not, that is not fair to him, give him the chance to tell you what he is >feeling, and give him a chance to be there when you really need him. you >will both be glad you did.

Karen, you are right on with that statement!!!……. my dh always thinks I was mad about something entirely different….. eg. I am mad because he came home really late WITHOUT calling, ( visualizing him mangled in a terrible car accident)…… he thinks I was mad because the supper got cold…….sigh. Yep, you just gotta tell ‘em…. Kim

Response:

seems to me that no matter what he does he’s damned! Damned if he goes cause you said he’s not particularly fond of your family.and if he doesn’t go,that’ll make you upset.   My advice to you is this:     Go see your father and leave your husband at home.It’s your family,not his.Leave him out of the loop.

Response:

ro…@kitchenman.com wrote: > Basically, this is it.. > Men are a ’stupid’ bunch when it comes to a womans hints. > HINTS are how most women try to get their emotions across. > DO NOT ’suggest’ to him that you would like him to go with you. > TELL him EXACTLY what you WANT..

I agree, most men like it spell out for them. The only thing is….then you get labeled as being bossy, domineering, a nag, a bitch.  There are sometimes in life where women just can’t spell it all out in a nice, calm, cool collected manner (especially when it is a very emotional issue) so instead they assume he will understand what she needs.  The reason is because if the situation were reversed – she would understand what he needs and she’d swoop in and provide it.  In some instances, the roles need to be reversed and he needs to swoop in and offer his support. > For a man you will have to make your point painfully clear so that HE can > understand it.. (Remember, He will tell it just like it is,   to speak to him > on his own terms when YOU are in need will be much more productive)

You know – it sounds like you are talking about a child!  I know and understood fully what you mean, but cripes!!!  There are some times where women are just fed up with making concessions in dealing with a man and she just wants to talk adult to adult in concise clear language, and not speak to him in his own terms, but THEIR own terms (as a couple) > I.E.::  "Husband, I want you to go with me all the way to the funeral, to > support ME.. You will be there for ME.. I know you don’t get along with my > family, but ‘I’ need your support. Please travel with me all the way there > and stay with me, just as I did when you were in need with YOUR father."

I don’t like the wording, it is intended to make him feel bad – I did it for you, now it’s your turn.  I know quilt may be a motivational tool, but she is not his mother!  I don’t think it belongs in this instance. I’d specify more of how devastating it is to me and I need someone to lean on right now to make it through this tough part of life.  I’d also address the issue of how he doesn’t get along with the family by explaining how they would respect his presence there for me and I’d also let him know that if any of them gave him any shit, I’d be right there behind him. > Communicate to him on HIS terms, as a man thet will be ’stupid’ to any > ‘hints, or suggestions’ that you have.

Listen – I’d say – "Honey, I need to talk to you, I’m having a really hard time with all this and want to clear the air.  Maybe we are misreading each other." > SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM AS THOUGH HE WERE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, JAPAN LETS SAY.

HA! > Because he does NOT know what you are thinking.

That is what communication is for, and if he listens to her he will know. But….he has got to listen. > Just my 2cents.

And mine.

Response:

I really disliked my FIL. Well, he got Alzheimers and my husband asked me to visit the father with him weekly because it’s too hard on him emotionally to see him alone. So I did it for *my husband* (not for the FIL). I’m now more used to the FIL and he doesn’t bug me as much as he used to. Please give your husband a CHANCE to be there for you, even if he’s grumbling now. He may get better at it. Don’t give up on him yet. Don’t punish him, you’ll only be punishing yourself in the end. Karen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -dragonpo…@aol.com (Dragonpoop8) writes: > After 15 years of uneventful, more-or-less smooth sailing in our marrige, DH > and I have hit a pretty big pothole – in my mind anyway. Right now I’m so hurt > and angry over this I’ve been waiting to cool off so I can articulate my > feelings to him without dissolving into tears or just blowing up. > In the years of our marriage I’ve been with him through several family crisis: > the lengthy illness and death of his father, the same with a beloved aunt. I > went with him when he made hospital visits, and bolstered him through the > funerals. I *wanted* to be there with him, to support him, to be the person he > could turn to in emotional storms when he knew there was no one else. >  Wellll, now it’s *my* turn. My elderly father is suffering increasing bouts of > senility, brought on by strokes. I’m told by my sibs (I live about 1000 miles > from my family) that it may not be long before he just ceases to recognize any > family members. I’m soon going to be making a trip back there to see him in > what will probably be the last visit I’m able to make why he is still coherent. > Needless to say, I’m anticipating this as a very upsetting experience. DH told > me that he would travel with me as far as his mother’s house and then I’d have > to continue the next 250 miles on my own and make this visit by myself. > I WAS TOTALLY FLOORED! Damn, I’m going to need some support here, but because > he doesn’t particularly care for my family (they can be a rancorous lot; I’m > kind of glad I don’t live too close, sometimes) I have to go through this by > myself. When I specifically asked him to go with me, his response was to scowl > and mutter something like "you know I don’t like your family." When, with hurt > and anger, I responded that *I* could really use some support, he relented. > Well, now I don’t want him to go with me — this is the part I haven’t > discussed with him. I just don’t think he will be of any use to me when part of > me is grieving over my father’s decline and the other part of me is totally > pissed at my DH that his support is offered begrudgingly and only to appease > me. Problem is, I’ll be pissed no matter which avenue is taken — whether he > goes with me or not. > I’m really feeling let down here, and suddenly unsure. In all other parts of > our marriage he has been very attentive and very generous and we’ve passed over > the few bumps without damage. Now, when a large life crisis hits me, he really > doesn’t want to be involved simply because of his dislike for my family. If the > situation were reversed, I wouldn’t hesitate, my love and devotion takes > precedent over something that, at the most, would only be an annoyance. > *sigh* Looking for similar experiences

Response:

Replying from a mans point of view – and being very hard about it. Mans thoughts, 1) she’ll be surrounded with family to support her, and I don’t get on with them, I should keep out of it. 2) Mums is on the way I can share part of the journey each way and see her in the process. Then you tell him you want his support. 1) I’m only going to be in the way BUT. 2) Yeah if that’s how she feels then I’ll go and provide support. Then you’re pissed at him for going and if he doesn’t go. 1) Oops caught again, damned if I do damned if I don’t 2) why can’t women just tell you what they want in the first place instead of making you read minds. OK perhaps it’s not gently or exact but it highlights a problem…. You and only you can sort this out ’cause the problems in your head – don’t forget that your husband is another individual and won’t always think like you do. Brett’s rules RULE 1 – Honesty regardless RULE 2 – Joint decisions RULE 3 – Love them anyway Seems to work. Brett "Dragonpoop8" <dragonpo…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20000928222839.22199.00000219@ng-fi1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> After 15 years of uneventful, more-or-less smooth sailing in our marrige, DH > and I have hit a pretty big pothole – in my mind anyway. Right now I’m so hurt > and angry over this I’ve been waiting to cool off so I can articulate my > feelings to him without dissolving into tears or just blowing up. > In the years of our marriage I’ve been with him through several family crisis: > the lengthy illness and death of his father, the same with a beloved aunt. I > went with him when he made hospital visits, and bolstered him through the > funerals. I *wanted* to be there with him, to support him, to be the person he > could turn to in emotional storms when he knew there was no one else. >  Wellll, now it’s *my* turn. My elderly father is suffering increasing bouts of > senility, brought on by strokes. I’m told by my sibs (I live about 1000 miles > from my family) that it may not be long before he just ceases to recognize any > family members. I’m soon going to be making a trip back there to see him in > what will probably be the last visit I’m able to make why he is still coherent. > Needless to say, I’m anticipating this as a very upsetting experience. DH told > me that he would travel with me as far as his mother’s house and then I’d have > to continue the next 250 miles on my own and make this visit by myself. > I WAS TOTALLY FLOORED! Damn, I’m going to need some support here, but because > he doesn’t particularly care for my family (they can be a rancorous lot; I’m > kind of glad I don’t live too close, sometimes) I have to go through this by > myself. When I specifically asked him to go with me, his response was to scowl > and mutter something like "you know I don’t like your family." When, with hurt > and anger, I responded that *I* could really use some support, he relented. > Well, now I don’t want him to go with me — this is the part I haven’t > discussed with him. I just don’t think he will be of any use to me when part of > me is grieving over my father’s decline and the other part of me is totally > pissed at my DH that his support is offered begrudgingly and only to appease > me. Problem is, I’ll be pissed no matter which avenue is taken — whether he > goes with me or not. > I’m really feeling let down here, and suddenly unsure. In all other parts of > our marriage he has been very attentive and very generous and we’ve passed over > the few bumps without damage. Now, when a large life crisis hits me, he really > doesn’t want to be involved simply because of his dislike for my family. If the > situation were reversed, I wouldn’t hesitate, my love and devotion takes > precedent over something that, at the most, would only be an annoyance. > *sigh* Looking for similar experiences

Response:

Basically, this is it.. Men are a ’stupid’ bunch when it comes to a womans hints. HINTS are how most women try to get their emotions across. DO NOT ’suggest’ to him that you would like him to go with you. TELL him EXACTLY what you WANT..  For a man you will have to make your point painfully clear so that HE can understand it.. (Remember, He will tell it just like it is,   to speak to him on his own terms when YOU are in need will be much more productive) I.E.::  "Husband, I want you to go with me all the way to the funeral, to support ME.. You will be there for ME.. I know you don’t get along with my family, but ‘I’ need your support. Please travel with me all the way there and stay with me, just as I did when you were in need with YOUR father." You will HAVE to specifically STATE EXACTLY what you are thiniking, Do not.. DO NOT, "ELUDE" to anything.. IE. you would not simply end your statement by saying "…support me like I have supported you."  You MUST say HOW you supported him.. otherwise, he will not see the importance.   (In the example here, you would continue to tell him about how you were with Him when his father died. ) Don’t think that you have done this already, because unless he has agreed, you have NOT told him in no uncertain terms.. You only THINK you have.. .. Communicate to him on HIS terms, as a man thet will be ’stupid’ to any ‘hints, or suggestions’ that you have. SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM AS THOUGH HE WERE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, JAPAN LETS SAY. Because he does NOT know what you are thinking. Just my 2cents. Royce —  Born again  9/07/2000! Husband to the coolest wife on the planet, father of two beautiful children.

Response:

After 15 years of uneventful, more-or-less smooth sailing in our marrige, DH and I have hit a pretty big pothole – in my mind anyway. Right now I’m so hurt and angry over this I’ve been waiting to cool off so I can articulate my feelings to him without dissolving into tears or just blowing up. In the years of our marriage I’ve been with him through several family crisis: the lengthy illness and death of his father, the same with a beloved aunt. I went with him when he made hospital visits, and bolstered him through the funerals. I *wanted* to be there with him, to support him, to be the person he could turn to in emotional storms when he knew there was no one else.  Wellll, now it’s *my* turn. My elderly father is suffering increasing bouts of senility, brought on by strokes. I’m told by my sibs (I live about 1000 miles from my family) that it may not be long before he just ceases to recognize any family members. I’m soon going to be making a trip back there to see him in what will probably be the last visit I’m able to make why he is still coherent. Needless to say, I’m anticipating this as a very upsetting experience. DH told me that he would travel with me as far as his mother’s house and then I’d have to continue the next 250 miles on my own and make this visit by myself. I WAS TOTALLY FLOORED! Damn, I’m going to need some support here, but because he doesn’t particularly care for my family (they can be a rancorous lot; I’m kind of glad I don’t live too close, sometimes) I have to go through this by myself. When I specifically asked him to go with me, his response was to scowl and mutter something like "you know I don’t like your family." When, with hurt and anger, I responded that *I* could really use some support, he relented. Well, now I don’t want him to go with me — this is the part I haven’t discussed with him. I just don’t think he will be of any use to me when part of me is grieving over my father’s decline and the other part of me is totally pissed at my DH that his support is offered begrudgingly and only to appease me. Problem is, I’ll be pissed no matter which avenue is taken — whether he goes with me or not. I’m really feeling let down here, and suddenly unsure. In all other parts of our marriage he has been very attentive and very generous and we’ve passed over the few bumps without damage. Now, when a large life crisis hits me, he really doesn’t want to be involved simply because of his dislike for my family. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t hesitate, my love and devotion takes precedent over something that, at the most, would only be an annoyance. *sigh* Looking for similar experiences

Response: