Talk Cancer » Cancer Hospital » Alcholism
Alcholism
Question:
Hi everyone, I have a "best" friend of at least 25 years who has been suffering on and off with alcholism. I know that this isn’t the place to talk about this topic, but I thought that it would be OK since it does infringe upon my problems with DID. Her family and friends have distanced or (abandoned) themselves from her. They’re just too worn out from her manipulations and lying to put up with it any longer. Her 92 year old mother who is very wealthy has been supporting her for at least 7 years now. Before that, she was a very successful businesswoman. Her mother told me that she has spent $300,000.00 on various rehabs over the years. (Betty Fords, Hazelton,etc.) Until recently, the only people that have stood by her were her mother and me. I told her that if she stayed sober I was there for her. If she started to drink, then I was out of there. She’s been sober for a year now, and decided to move back to this area. Her children and friends are here. I found an apartment and a job for her and helped her move. Her children and friends kept there distance. After about a month, her children and friends started to"come around". Two weeks ago, she said to me, "That she has never been happier in her life. That she got her life back." Last week, out of the blue, she started to drink again. She showed up at work drunk and fell down. They fired her on the spot. As soon as she started to drink, I stayed away from her as I warned her I would do. Her children told her that they were through with her. On Thursday I got home from the T at 1PM. There was a message on my machine "I love you. I took 70 Ativan. Do not save me. Do not save me." I called 911 and they broke down her door and took her to the hospital. I spoke to the T, who told me NOT to go to the hospital. That I had ben "enabling" her for years and that she neeeded to see/feel what it was to be alone and to figure it out by herself, instead of me coming in to rescue her. So, I have not visited her. Noone has. I called the Nurse’s Station, and they said that she probably will be released in the next few days, due to insurance. What happens then.? She goes home. She lives alone. She starts to drink and then kills herself with no intervention? I’m furious with her for sending me that message. What if I hadn’t come home early that afternoon? She would have died, and it would of been on my conscious for the rest of my life. She has noone now. Her mother, her sisters, her children have all given up on her and have said that her life is in "her" hands now. The T. says the same thing. My heart is breaking. Any comment, advice…..please??? Nahanton
Response:
hi. my foo is full of alcoholics. i have had friends and lovers who were alcoholics. you are right to be furious that she put you in the position of being her savior, or not, if you didn’t get the message in time. she is manipulating you and everyone around her, when she can. alcoholism is a nasty, horrible, evil illness. but you cannot fix what is wrong for her. you are not responsible for what is wrong in her life. you didn’t cause it. if she doesn’t stop drinking then she will d*e of it eventually, either in a car or from cancer of the liver or some equally horrible way. she has to quit for herself. if it is for you or for anyone else then it doesn’t touch that part of her that needs to be numb. i am sorry if i sound hard or uncaring, but you have to understand that you are utterly powerless to change or fix her or her life. she either faces it or she doesn’t. i watch my brother doing the same thing. my brother who i loved entirely and completely in the midst of my insane childhood. my brother who watched out for me and cared about me and was safe. and now i cannot fix it for him. i tell you this so you understand that i am not talking as an observer. you won’t be of any use to anyone if you get pulled into her nightmare and it won’t help her anyway. continue your life, grieve for the sadness of it, be angry at the stupidity of it, and be there if she survives and chooses life, a real life. but don’t get caught in the web of it. b. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, I have a "best" friend of at least 25 years who has been suffering on and off with alcholism. I know that this isn’t the place to talk about this topic, but I thought that it would be OK since it does infringe upon my problems with DID. Her family and friends have distanced or (abandoned) themselves from her. They’re just too worn out from her manipulations and lying to put up with it any longer. Her 92 year old mother who is very wealthy has been supporting her for at least 7 years now. Before that, she was a very successful businesswoman. Her mother told me that she has spent $300,000.00 on various rehabs over the years. (Betty Fords, Hazelton,etc.) Until recently, the only people that have stood by her were her mother and me. I told her that if she stayed sober I was there for her. If she started to drink, then I was out of there. She’s been sober for a year now, and decided to move back to this area. Her children and friends are here. I found an apartment and a job for her and helped her move. Her children and friends kept there distance. After about a month, her children and friends started to"come around". Two weeks ago, she said to me, "That she has never been happier in her life. That she got her life back." Last week, out of the blue, she started to drink again. She showed up at work drunk and fell down. They fired her on the spot. As soon as she started to drink, I stayed away from her as I warned her I would do. Her children told her that they were through with her. On Thursday I got home from the T at 1PM. There was a message on my machine "I love you. I took 70 Ativan. Do not save me. Do not save me." I called 911 and they broke down her door and took her to the hospital. I spoke to the T, who told me NOT to go to the hospital. That I had ben "enabling" her for years and that she neeeded to see/feel what it was to be alone and to figure it out by herself, instead of me coming in to rescue her. So, I have not visited her. Noone has. I called the Nurse’s Station, and they said that she probably will be released in the next few days, due to insurance. What happens then.? She goes home. She lives alone. She starts to drink and then kills herself with no intervention? I’m furious with her for sending me that message. What if I hadn’t come home early that afternoon? She would have died, and it would of been on my conscious for the rest of my life. She has noone now. Her mother, her sisters, her children have all given up on her and have said that her life is in "her" hands now. The T. says the same thing. My heart is breaking. Any comment, advice…..please??? Nahanton
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Response:
Nahanton, I don’t really know what to say, but my heart is crying for both of you. I keep rewriting this and it always sounds too harsh…so will just say a couple things. Her choice to drink is an active choice that she makes, regardless of the consequences. The message she left for you was, IMO, cruel, manipulative, and calculated. You are not responsible for her choices, and this is not your fault. Likewise, it would not have been your fault had the worst happened and you had returned home late. I am thinking about you, Margaret "You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh in "Pooh’s Grand Adventure" to reply directly to me remove nojunk from my email address
Response:
Dear Nahanton, My name is mare and I have been here at this ng for a long time. I just don’t post much lately. So, pleased to meet you and wanted to assure you I am "safe". A ways below I talk about some of my history and about su*cide…skip it if you are tender. Nothing graphic-just straight talk. * * * * * * * * * * * My heart is breaking. Any comment, advice…..please???
oh yes, I feel so bad for you. My heart flipped a little reading your post. You know that you did all you could for your friend? The T is correct-you need to find the strength to step back and trust that your friend will find her way back to hope and health. I am so sorry this happened to you. I grew about in a home destroyed bt alcoholism: EVERYONE drank and took drugs. I never learned how to tolerate stuff and I hit the wall(metaphorically) many times. My SO has stepped into my threats, gestures and attempts. He kept me going but I didn’t learn any new skills or trust in myself until he stepped away in despair. I was forced to confront my own needs and lack of skills in getting those needs met. During the time I was first staring this process, I made a new friend (my first real girlfriend!) One day I told her about a plan I made…I was asking for help. She got FURIOUS. She said I was selfish. She railed at me for the position it put her into. It scared me so bad and I realized later that she was showing me she loved me. I cannot explain why I could hear her when no one else reached me on this issue. But we are very close still and I am not su*cidal for a long time. We never really talked about it. I learned to save my despair for T and give the other emotions to SO and friends. I learned to have some connections and some boundaries. I am trying to tell you that your friend deserves your concern but not your involvement right now. I believe she needs space to be with herself. I wish you care and positive energy as you struggle with this. I will think of you. Post or email if you want to talk, vent, cry… sincerely, mare – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Nahanton
Response:
I would have to disagree, at least in part with what the T said. While being friendly and supportive during her drinking would certainly not help her, total abandonment will not either.
I think you have a point–but total abandonment might be the way to ”help” the person whose life is being harmed by the relationship with the alkie. Back in the days when h*roin add*ction was just making its way into the ”white” part of the population, we used to have a saying: ”A junkie is a former human being now consisting of a skinful of drugs.” If people rehab, or in some other way get free of the habit, then they may indeed revert to being the human being they once were. (or, in some cases, an improved model.) But it’s dangerous to YOU to try to be a friend and supporter of a walking habit that appears to be a person. In my non-professional opinion, you should, if you want to help at all, keep some distanced contact with her. Let her know that you do care about her and that it is not her, but her drinking that you are rejecting. Make sure she knows that the door to friendship is always open to her as long a she is sober.
Sounds worth a try. a.
Response:
I would have to disagree, at least in part with what the T said. While being friendly and supportive during her drinking would certainly not help her, total abandonment will not either. In my non-professional opinion, you should, if you want to help at all, keep some distanced contact with her. Let her know that you do care about her and that it is not her, but her drinking that you are rejecting. Make sure she knows that the door to friendship is always open to her as long a she is sober.
Response:
Nahanton, I don’t really know what to say, but my heart is crying for both of you. I keep rewriting this and it always sounds too harsh…so will just say a couple things. Her choice to drink is an active choice that she makes, regardless of the consequences. The message she left for you was, IMO, cruel, manipulative, and calculated. You are not responsible for her choices, and this is not your fault. Likewise, it would not have been your fault had the worst happened and you had returned home late.
Maragret is a very wise woman Nahanton. We have an insider who did a similar thing once and it was all of those things that Margaret said your friend did. It was very scary for us at the time because she was in a lot of power at the time. The people she was trying to manipulate called the authorities and got her help, but cut off contact because she was hurting them too much. It was a very painful time for her and the rest of us. We also had no more insurance by that time, and there were a lot of hospital bills that had to be dealt with. I think multiples are luckier in a way because we have others inside who can decide enough is enough, but it comes down to it being the friends decision. Had our friends not cut us off at the time, we might be still manipulating them instead of healing. But had our insider succeeded in her plans, they might have felt terrible about the decision, but in the end it was the best thing for us. I think the vital thing tto remember her is that you have to take care of yourself first. It sounds selfish, but if you do not have the inner strength to take care of yourself, you cannot help anyone else. Nanhanton, your inner family comes first. If you do that, you will have extra to give to outside people. Sunny